September 19, 2006

A Parent’s Bill of Rights

1) Unsolicited parenting advice shall not be offered to parents of small children.

2) Childcare providers shall not claim to have seen a major milestone prior to it being witnessed by one, but preferably both, parents.

3) No one person, without the express written consent of a child’s parent, shall introduce that child to any or all of the following: Elmo, Barney the Purple Dinosaur or the Teletubbies.

4) All parents shall use their kids as an excuse for not doing something they don’t want to do at least one time per week but not more than five times a week for fear of sounding inept.

5) All parents with children under the age of one may claim sleep deprivation as a valid excuse for just about anything, including but not limited to, falling asleep at work, wearing one grey sock and one black sock, forgetting your cup of coffee on the car roof, and just plain acting dumb.

6) All parents with children under the age of five shall be free of riducule when caught singing “Wheels on the Bus” while at work.

7) All parents, when questioned by their children, shall be able to use the phrase, “Because I said so” when they absolutely cannot think of a valid reason.
8) No parent shall be patronized by a child’s teacher or pediatrician simply because the parent advocates a different approach than said teacher or pediatrician.

9) No parent shall intimidate or threaten another person’s child unless that child is about to date your daughter.

10) No parent shall be tried in the court of public opinion for simply admitting, “I don’t know.”

May 11, 2006

If a mommy were President…

If a mommy was President…

-The country would be forced to nap daily so mommy could get some work done.
-The deficit would be reduced by using double coupons and buying things wholesale.
-Countries who didn’t obey would be given a timeout but would later get milk and cookies for being good.
-Starbucks would be nationalized for the good of the people.
-Not only would the deficit be resolved, healthcare, immigration and drug issues would be solved by 5:00 p.m. – just in time to cook dinner and help the kids with their homework.
-Countries from across the globe would toe the line just from hearing the phrase “Don’t make me come over there!”
-There would be twice as many women’s restrooms than men’s restrooms in every building in the country.
-Formula would be $1.99 a can while Malt Liquor would be $20.00 a bottle.
-All cars would be equipped with navigational devices so Daddies wouldn’t have to pretend they weren’t lost.
-She’d find a lot better ways to spend 280 billion dollars.
-The streets and highways would be spotless – because you never know when visitors might come over.
-It would be against the law to wear underwear with holes in it.
-Ms. Manners would be Secretary of the Interior
-Congress would debate law over a Saturday Play Date in the park.
-Guns would be outlawed by saying “You’ll put an eye out with that thing.”
-A National campaign would be started to address the horrors of kids who made a funny face and it froze that way.
-The FCC would stop fining Howard Stern and instead wash his mouth out with soap.
-Chocolate would be added to the new food pyramid
-The Presidential limo would be a mini-van.
-She’d finally fix that crack in the Liberty Bell that all the male Presidents said they were going to fix but never got around to doing.
-The White House would be remodled in a Spanish style bungalo, complete with stucco, Mexican Ceramic Tile and palm trees.
-Mother’s Day would be a National Holiday.

Happy Mother’s day to all of you mommies out there. You make the world go ’round.

And to my own Mommy – I love you (even if you do make fun of me on my blog).

Mommy Post
This was a part of the “bloggect” by Kara at Cape Buffalo. Click here to see the other posts.

March 14, 2006

Things I don’t understand…

Why do I burp more often than either of the twins when I gently pat their backs after a meal?

Why does Swee’Pea always poop right as I’m ready to put her in the car in the morning? (btw, what’s the etiquette on that? I always change the diaper because I’m embarrassed our daycare provider would be upset.)

Why a baby will sleep three or four nights in a row, teasing you into thinking it’s now sleeping through the night, only to say, “Nope, not tonight… Sucker.”

Why I am absolutely unable to walk out of Costco without spending at least $200 (but at least I’ve got enough ziploc bags to last until the apocolypse).

String Cheese.

Why we have at least 3 different types of diaper rash cream in the house.

How even though I’m getting about 25% more sleep than I was a month ago, that I’m still freakin’ tired.

How the first smile I see from my children at the end of a long day erases all of the chaos from my mind. (I may not understand it, but thank God it’s there)

February 28, 2006

What I would do with $267,000,000…

Tonight’s Mega-Millions Lottery Jackpot here in California has reached unprecedented heights. $267 million dollars. That could buy a lot of diapers. When I was living in New York City, the New York State Lottery had a slogan that was plastered on just about every other advertisement placard on every subway car. It read: “All you need is a dollar and a dream.”

Well, today I just so happened to have a dollar and I’ve had plenty of time to conjure up a dream. So, here is what I will do if when I win tonight’s $267 million.

  • Purchase the Starbucks down the street and hire someone to deliver to my home whenever I want.
  • Go back to that store on Rodeo Drive and tell the girl, “Big Mistake. Huge. I have to go shopping now.” (Wait, was that me?)
  • Buy clothes. Lots of clothes. Hire a personal shopper to bring me clothes.
  • Have someone erase one of the m’s on each M&M that is brought into my house.
  • Hire a chef to cook delicious, healthy meals – ’cause I’m pretty tired of eating crap cooking all the time.
  • Hire a personal trainer (not named Andrea) to kick my ass into shape.
  • Quit work and start a foundation. It’d be nice to give out $ instead of begging for it all the time.
  • Buy every children’s book people suggested to me on my blogfather’s post.
  • Give $1000 to each person who has ever left a comment on my blog. (It’s not too late…)
  • Rebuild my Y*M*C*A. The Childsplayx2 Family Y has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
  • Build Nutmeg the cat her own room, complete with cat walks and all the baby socks she can steal.
  • Actually purchase a flat screen television, a DVR, an ipod, and any other electronic gadget that I don’t have the money to buy right now.
  • Set up a fund to help parents with preemies. Every time I read about twins and other preemie babies, I feel so fortunate that we have healthy babies.
  • Send every child in our extended families to college.
  • Purchase a minority stake in the San Francisco Giants. I’d have all the players call me “Boss.”
  • Spend as much time as I can with TheMonk and Swee’Pea. ‘Cause, damn, they’re getting bigger every day.
  • Having said that, hiring an extra person to help us out during the day. “Cause, damn, they’re getting bigger every day.
  • Never, Ever, Ever clean the house again. Pay someone handsomely to do that.
  • Replace our 1994 Nissan Altima with something a little newer. Like something built this millenium.
  • Outspend some haughty rich politician for a seat in local government.
  • Help put music programs back into local schools. Because the world needs more bad guitar players.
  • I’d…
  • What? You say the chances of winning this lottery is 1 in 175,711,536? Hmmmmm.

    So, you’re telling me there’s a chance!

    Hey, all you need is a dollar and a dream!

    Check back tomorrow when I show off my brand new duds. And don’t forget the M&M’s.

    December 16, 2005

    Blog Housekeeping

    Okay, Friday is a day to catch up on stuff. So, first, I wanted you all to pop over to Mr. Big Dubya’s place. He’s volunteered to be the blogosphere’s regrigerator door and will post anyone’s Holiday photo on his blog. I sent one (not the one that will be on our holiday card) over and you should too!

    Second, I’ve been tagged by a couple of blogging buddies. Becky and Kemp both tagged me for this one so I figured that was a sign.

    Here it goes…

    Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.
    1. Hanuman
    2. Running2Ks
    3. Queen of Spain
    4. Becky
    5. childsplayx2

    Then you get to select five people to pass the love on to. This is in no way mandatory.

    1) Baby Astrid’s mom
    2) Savage Stories
    3) Mrs. Aginoth
    4) Weirdgirl
    5) Prolly all the Time

    What were you doing 10 years ago?
    I was just wrapping up my first semester in graduate school. After spending two years hanging out in NYC after graduating from undergrad, I bolted back to the West Coast to pursue my Master’s degree in Sport Psychology. I rented a little apartment in Walnut Creek, CA and settled in nicely. It was the first (and only) time I lived completely on my own – no family, no roommates, no spouse. It was a great, liberating time and I learned a lot about myself – both good and bad.

    What were you doing one year ago?

    One year ago, I was walking around in a daze still trying to cope with the fact that we were going to have two babies, instead of the one that usually comes with the package. It was also our first Christmas in our newly built home. I was doing a million projects (including laying a wood laminate floor in our kitchen and dining area) while tending to my very nauseous wife all in preparation for our bundles of joy.

    Five snacks you enjoy:

    1) Ranch Flavored sunflower seeds
    2) Cheez-Its
    3) Krispy Kreme donuts
    4) Popsicles after exercising (I haven’t had a popsicle in a long time)
    5) I’m not too picky as long as it’s bad for me.

    Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

    This is hard, only because I know the lyrics to a lot of songs. It’s a gift that I have. I pick up the lyrics pretty easily – even if I’ve only listened to it a few times (I have to like the song, though). But here is what comes to mind right now…
    1) The Hoppity Song – John Ondrasik (from Five for Fighting). Great song to sing to kids!
    2) Hotel California – The Eagles
    3) Paul Revere – Beastie Boys
    4) The 15-year anniversary McDonald’s Big Mac Commercial.
    5) Theme song to Dukes of Hazzard

    Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
    I’m changing this to multi-millionaire because, really, a million doesn’t get you much nowadays.
    1) Set up a foundation to help disadvantaged families.
    2) Donate money to my Y to rebuild because the community deserves the best.
    3) Buy a home overlooking the ocean in Hawaii
    4) Dress better
    5) Live as if we weren’t multi-millionaires.

    Five bad habits:
    1) I bite the cuticles of my fingernails.
    2) I have a sweet tooth and very little will power
    3) I put things off that I really don’t want to do
    4) I call drivers of other cars names while driving
    5) I often forget to close the refrigerator door when cooking

    Five things you like doing:
    1) Playing with children (especially my children)
    2) Watching a live baseball game
    3) Writing about my kids
    4) Helping others
    5) Sleeping (Another thing I haven’t done in a while)

    Five things you would never wear or buy again:
    1) I’d have to go with Kemp and say Parachute Pants
    2) Athletic socks pulled up to my knees
    3) Bottle Warmers
    4) A pink Izod shirt, Acid Wash jeans pegged at leg, and dock shoes with no socks.
    5) Z. Cavaricci pants

    Five favorite toys:
    1) My Treo phone
    2) My laptop
    3) TheMonk
    4) Bri
    5) C’mon, I’m a father of twins. I don’t have any of my own toys!

    November 24, 2005


    This year I am thankful for…

    Vibrating bouncy seats
    Disposable diapers
    Little Noses brand Saline Spray
    Smiles hidden behind binkies
    A kitty who wants to sit on my lap
    Fast Food restaurants everywhere
    Little baby hugs
    A beautiful wife becoming a wonderful mother
    The Y
    Doting and caring grandparents
    Family near and far
    Stuffed monkeys
    Double Stroller
    Hands-free bottle feeders
    My beautiful home
    A little boy
    A little girl
    Four chubby cheeks
    Baby giggles
    Digital cameras
    The dishwasher
    Bedtime routines
    Watching babies learn
    Old Friends
    New Friends
    Blog Friends
    My wonderful family

    There are so many things that I am thankful for this year. What a wonderful year this has been for me and my family. From my family to yours, Happy Thanksgiving.

    November 10, 2005

    By the Numbers

    We subscribe to at least three different baby magazines. As we were new parents we were bombarded with subscription offers and in the early, hazy days of parenthood either Andrea or myself signed us up for one not necessarily knowing the other had signed up for one as well.

    My favorite of these “baby” magazines is Parents. While it’s still slightly skewed toward the mommy, it does have interesting articles (In this month’s issue, for example, there’s an article on a father who took three months off for paternity leave) and focuses more on the child and the family than on just mommy.

    So, this week, the December 2005 issue arrived. Inside there is a fun little piece called “The Facts of Life” by Beth Turner. As the tagline of the article states, these are “Wacky stats about having kids that only a parent would appreciate.” Here are a few of my favorites along with my smart ass commentary (in bold).

    No wonder it’s so hard to meet a good woman.
    Between 1940 and 2002, 5,776,130 more boy babies than girl babies were born in America.

    And every one of them has a blog.
    A baby is born every eight seconds in the United States. That’s 11,205 per day, and just over 4 million per year.

    Now if he’d only called it a Bugaboo, he’d have made a fortune.

    An English architect named William Kent designed the first baby carriage around 1733. It was shaped like a scallop shell and pulled by a goat.

    There’s a lot to be said for a career in the fast food industry.

    To pay for your newborn’s public college education, you’ll need to sock away $20.26 a day (or $43.67 a day if he goes to a private college).

    But after taxes, it’s only about $65,000.
    A fair wage for the typical stay-at-home mom (sorry, no SAHDs here!) is estimated by at $131,471 a year (including $88,009 for overtime, based on a 100-hour work week).

    So, Hazel and Phinnaeus don’t make the list?

    The most popular names for twins: Jacob and Joshua for boys. Hope and Faith for girls.

    But it feels like 6,000.
    You’ll change your baby’s diaper as many as 3,000 times during the first year.

    Does that include server hosting fees?

    You’ll spend as much as $14,600 on your baby by the time she’s 2 – enough to buy a new Ford Focus, Chrysler PT cruiser, or Honda Civic.

    Somehow, making smart-ass t-shirts isn’t quite the same.

    Disposable diapers were invented in 1949 by Marion Donovan, a mom who made them herself and sold them at Saks Fifth Avenue, in New York City. She got $1 million for the patent rights. It’s now a $17-billion-a-year industry.

    Thank God we weren’t that lucky.

    1 in 90: Odds of a woman having naturally conceived twins.
    1 in 3: Odds of a woman having a multiple birth if she uses in vitro fertilization
    1 in 540: Odds of a woman delivering three or more babies.

    October 21, 2005

    7 Things

    Not-for-profit-dad asked me to do this. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Anyway, here it goes!

    7 things I want to do before I die:
    1. See a Major League Baseball game in every MLB park
    2. Run for political office
    3. Give my daughter away at her wedding
    4. See an Olympic 200 and 400 meter final
    5. Retire before the age of 60
    6. Explore all 50 states
    7. Have another baby (shhhh. Don’t tell my wife)
    7 things I cannot do:
    1. Change the oil in my car
    2. Say no to a donut
    3. Understand the appeal of “Carrot Top”
    4. Picture myself old
    5. Stop kissing my babies’ cheeks!
    6. Sleep in
    7. Wear cheap sunglasses
    7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
    1. Eyes
    2. Intelligence
    3. Legs
    4. Butt
    5. Smile
    6. Small of the back
    7. Independent streak
    7 things that I say most often:
    1. I love you more
    2. I’m so tired
    3. Hi Babies!
    4. Do you want me to pick up dinner?
    5. This is Matthew from the Y…
    6. I need to talk to you about your budget
    7. Who’s your Daddy?
    7 celebrity crushes:
    1. Shania Twain
    2. Kristen Bell
    3. Rachel Ray
    4. Kelly Clarkson
    5. Jennifer Garner
    6. Kate Beckinsale
    7. Gwen Stefani
    7 people I want to do this: (Only if you want to!)
    1. MIM (Also tagged by MetroDad, so come on MIM!)
    2. Amy at Savage Stories (A twin mommy)
    3. Aunt Liz
    4. Andrea, my wife
    5. Clare’s Dad
    6. Eric at More Diapers
    7. BIYF (Who is a scholar and a gentleman)

    October 17, 2005

    100 Things

    I’ve been intrigued by this phenomenon of people posting 100 things about themselves. So in an effort to explain myself, here it goes.

    1. I come from a small family.
    2. I have a younger brother by five years
    3. My father died when I was six
    4. This remains the single most profound influence on my life
    5. My mother raised my brother and me entirely on her own
    6. I was a “track star” in high school
    7. While I regularly had the fastest times in the county, I never won an individual championship.
    8. That bothers me more than it should
    9. I was captain of the high school team & co-captain of the track team my senior year in college
    10. I still consider myself a runner but I hardly ever run anymore
    11. I attended an Ivy League college
    12. Graduating was one of my proudest achievements because I always felt like I was in just a little over my head.
    13. I played the snare drum in my high school marching band.
    14. I was voted “biggest flirt” in high school
    15. I would characterize myself as comfortable around women, but not a flirt
    16. I grew up in a surf town but I never learned to surf
    17. My closest friends today are still my childhood friends
    18. I don’t live anywhere near my childhood friends
    19. People consider me an outgoing personality
    20. I’m shyer than people think
    21. I have always liked to be funny in front of others
    22. I’m not always all that funny
    23. My undergraduate degree is in Psychology
    24. My graduate degree is in Sport Psychology
    25. My current job has very little to do with Psychology
    26. If I had the money, I’d be a much better dresser than I am now
    27. I have never traveled beyond North America
    28. I have traveled throughout Mexico while sharing buses with livestock
    29. I once took the train across Canada from Vancouver to Toronto.
    30. My ultimate vacation would be to spend a summer watching a baseball game at every Major League Baseball stadium
    31. I play the lottery about once a month (all you need is a dollar and a dream)
    32. Part of me feels like I’ve already won the marriage and baby lottery so why not go for one more.
    33. The car I currently drive is 10 years old.
    34. It is the only car I have ever owned.
    35. I am impulsive by nature. Planning is not a strong point.
    36. I play fantasy football.
    37. I have won the league I’ve played in twice in four tries.
    38. I am a bigger baseball fan than I am a football fan.
    39. I lived in New York City for six years.
    40. My first job in NYC was as a receptionist for a publishing co. It paid me $19,000 a year.
    41. I somehow still managed to pay my bills.
    42. I like Top Ramen and Macaroni and Cheese.
    43. I’m not sure I have a favorite food but if Fish & Chips is on the menu, I usually end up ordering it.
    44. I collected baseball pennants as a kid.
    45. I don’t collect anything now.
    46. I met my wife via the internet in July 1997.
    47. We met face to face in August of 1997.
    48. If it wasn’t love at first sight, it was awfully close.
    49. I had to convince her we were right for each other.
    50. I wore her down.
    51. We’ve been married five years now.
    52. I tell people I’m 5′ 8″ tall.
    53. I’m really 5′ 7 ¾” tall.
    54. I’m right handed.
    55. I broke my right wrist in 4th grade. My teacher made me write with my left hand.
    56. Angela Crawford broke her wrist a short time later. She was given a typewriter. I’m still bitter.
    57. I’m very competitive.
    58. I broke my left wrist in high school after falling while leaning for the finish line at the end of a 200 meter race.
    59. I beat the guy I was trying to outlean.
    60. My hairline is receding. I can’t wait until I can clip it really short.
    61. I would like to run for political office someday.
    62. I am a leader by nature. I have held leadership positions in just about everything I have ever done.
    63. I make really cute offspring
    64. I am kind of messy and my wife is not. (Sorry Honey.)
    65. I tend to think of many things at once. The problem is that because of this, I sometimes don’t finish what I’m doing before I’m on to the next thing in my head.
    66. I like public speaking.
    67. I like to wear baseball caps but I don’t often do so.
    68. I have read each Harry Potter book immediately after its release.
    69. If I could do another career completely unrelated to mine, I’d be a children’s book author.
    70. I love Dr. Seuss books.
    71. I have always enjoyed creating rhyming poems.
    72. My favorite type of movie is the romantic comedy.
    73. My favorite type of wine is a Sauvingon Blanc
    74. My favorite alcoholic drink is a Margarita with chips and salsa.
    75. While I’ll drink an occasional beer, I don’t really like the taste of it.
    76. I love sweets. My favorite restaurants are judged on their dessert menus.
    77. I have never met a donut I didn’t like.
    78. The main thing that keeps me from eating a more nutritious diet is lack of will power.
    79. My biggest pet peeve is people who don’t use their turn signals (or stupid drivers in general)
    80. I have never been stopped by a law enforcement officer while driving.
    81. Not that I haven’t deserved it.
    82. I like to listen to sports radio right up until the time they start taking calls. Then I change the channel.
    83. I hate hearing or seeing people do things that make them seem stupid.
    84. I don’t regret many things but my biggest regret is not asking Mercedes Blair to the Junior Prom.
    85. Since then, I’ve tried to never settle for second-best.
    86. I always feel guilty when I spend money on something that is soley for me.
    87. I always encourage Andrea to spend money on things soley for her.
    88. I’ve never felt very secure when it comes to personal finances.
    89. I manage an annual budget of 2.1 million dollars at work.
    90. I’m easily moved. I cry while watching Hallmark commercials.
    91. I had a turtle named Flash as a teenager.
    92. I have a cat named Nutmeg now. I love that cat.
    93. I generally don’t care what other people think of me.
    94. I’ll easily act goofy if it makes a child smile.
    95. I love that my job helps develop youth to become tomorrow’s leaders.
    96. If you ask me for help, I’ll most likely help.
    97. My best traits are my concern for others and my sense of humor.
    98. It takes a lot to anger me. But don’t push me that far.
    99. The two things I want on my tombstone: Great Husband, Great Father.
    100. I love every second of being a father.

    August 26, 2005

    Lesson’s learned in the past 12 weeks

    • Sleep deprivation is a really effective means of torture
    • Velcro on diapers rank with one of the greatest innovations ever
    • Bottle warmers are a complete waste of time
    • The quickest way to tell if it’s time for a diaper change is to smell the babies’ backside
    • My wife is a much deeper sleeper than I thought she was
    • Babies really don’t like it when you suction out their nose
    • Babies won’t accept $20, $50 or even $100 to just… stop… crying
    • Dinner time is whenever we find time to shove something down our throats
    • Anything that can be heated in the microwave is my new favorite food
    • When you “burp” a baby, the gas doesn’t always come out of the mouth
    • 1 out of every 10 people who learn I have boy/girl twins ask if they’re identical
    • There isn’t a Human Resources person out there that really understands the Family Medical Leave Act.
    • More women smile at you when you have a baby strapped to your chest.
    • If you wipe down a baby with a damp washcloth and then slather scented baby lotion on, everyone will think your baby just had a bath.
    • Don’t say anything you don’t want the neighborhood to know in front of the baby monitor.
    • Sometimes it takes having twins to finally meet your neighbors
    • I still have no desire to taste the breast milk
    • Going to the bathroom requires more advanced planning than it used to
    • Our parents call a lot more now that we have given them grandchildren
    • Eventually, even the cat will adjust to having twins

    Okay fellow parents, what have you learned

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