July 20, 2006

It’s a long story


You won’t believe what happened to me this morning after you left for work.

It started out just fine. I played casually with the twins as they scampered around the play room as they chased after toys and books and each other. To add to the atmosphere, I put on a CD of their favorite music and we rocked to Animal Fair, Wheels on the Bus and Itsy Bitsy Spider.

Before I knew it, TheMonk and Swee’Pea both started to dance the cha-cha. Which is funny because I don’t even know what the cha-cha looks like. All I know is that they were getting down and laughing so I ran to get the video camera to document the collective genius of our children. In my haste to secure the video camera I tripped over the Fisher-Price schoolbus with the little wheelchair still inside. Trying to regain my balance I reached for the nearest thing to keep myself from falling. Unfortunately that nearest thing was the drapery that hangs hung from the front window. As you could guess, the drapery was no match for my impressive bulk so it came down with me along with the curtain rods and the lamp from the corner. Before I knew it, I was laying on the floor among all the remnants.

Dazed and confused I staggered back up. I glanced at TheMonk and Swee’Pea who were both now clapping at this impressive theater that their beloved father was putting on for their amusement. I smiled in spite of my shock and pain and then checked the damage. It was then that I noticed that the drapes were smoldering from the heat the lamp was giving off, still glowing on the floor beneath my feet.

Before my eyes the smoldering drapes burst into flames. Not sure what to do, I quickly grabbed the flaming drapes and, in one quick cat-like motion, opened the front door and threw them onto the front lawn which, luck would have it, was being watered by the sprinklers at that very moment.

Crisis averted, I once again turned my attention back to the twins. TheMonk must have been so excited he pooped his pants. The smell was hard to ignore so before cleaning up the mess I had made I decided to change TheMonk in the living room. I’m not sure when he last pooped but it looked like he had been saving it up for quite a while as copious amounts of excrement filled his overburdened size 4 Huggies. I pulled off the soiled diaper, setting it aside, while I cleaned him and changed him into a fresh diaper. I was just getting finshed with him when I heard a distinctive “meow” coming from somewhere outside.

Setting TheMonk down, I went to investigate. Apparently, in my haste to get rid of the flaming drapes I hadn’t noticed that Nutmeg the cat had escaped outside when I opened the front door. Concerned for our poor little Nuttymeg I went looking for her outside. It was then I saw her on our roof – 25 to 30 feet above terra firma. Knowing I had to act quickly I went to get the ladder from the garage. Now, normally I wouldn’t even think of getting up to the top of our roof but this was our Nutmeg up there. I HAD to save her. I extended our ladder as far up as I could get it. Unfortunately, it was still a good six feet short of the roof. Nonetheless I scampered up the ladder and reached for our beloved kitty. Not in a mood to be petted she jumped back from my extended reach. As I lunged for her, the ladder slipped from under me. In a desperate act I grabbed the gutter that lines our roof top and hung there as the ladder fell.

This was a predicament. I was about 20 feet from the garage roof which, if I could get there, would allow me to drop down without killing myself. I inched my way over there while my fingers desperately clung to the edge of the gutter. Eventually I made it – just in time to see Nutmeg jump on my back and catapult herself to the ground. She then bolted for the door and waited for me to let her in. Which I would have done except the door was locked.

I looked in and noticed TheMonk and Swee’Pea gleefully playing. I waved to them frantically and they waved back – enjoying this new game of “Wave at the crazy man named Daddy.” I started to go around the house trying all of the windows and doors to see if I could get in. As I got back around to the front of the house I noticed we had visitors.

This might be a good time to mention to you that our new Neighborhood Watch program is doing a fine good job. I know this because apparently one of our kind neighbors noticed a man hanging from the gutter of his neighbor’s house and called the cops. Did you know that they don’t just send one patrol car when something like that is reported? No, they send at least five patrol cars – with lights flashing. Also, I never knew how big a patrolman’s gun looks pointed at you.

Anyway, after I explained who I was they helped me get into the house to prove I lived there. They even were nice enough to let me change my pants (Let’s just say I wish I was the one wearing Huggies when the police officers pointed their guns at me). Once I showed them my driver’s license and TheMonk and Swee’Pea’s birth certificates, everything was fine (Oh, and I made a nice contribution to the Police Officer’s Ball later this month).

Finally, everything seemed under control. As you can imagine, however, I was quite late in getting the kids off to daycare. I scurried around getting our stuff together and putting the twins in their carseat. You know how much I hate to be late. Even though I hate being late, I did spend a few extra minutes putting the drapes back up (just ignore the charred spot near the ground), uprighting the lamp, putting the ladder away, making sure Nutmeg had her food and water after such a traumatic experience, and putting away one Fisher Price Schoolbus with a wheelchair inside. I knew you’d appreciate me cleaning up the mess.

That done, I couldn’t stay any longer. Work beckoned so I ran to the car, pulled away from the house and managed to get the kids to daycare and myself to work even after such a harrowing morning.

And THAT, my dear beloved love-of-my-life wife, is why you found a very soiled poop-filled diaper sitting on the bookshelf in the living room when you came home today.

And you thought I was just scatterbrained.


  1. Ok, I’ve had five people walk by my office making sure I was ok since I’ve been laughing my ass off for the last five minutes.

    And I thought I was the only one that these types of things happen to…

    Although the cops with guns was a new one.

    At least the kids are okay and at least you are okay… at least until the wife gets home… then all bets are off.

    Comment by Kemp — July 20, 2006 @ 2:55 pm

  2. Matthew, that is the best excuse I have ever heard. I am so glad my husband does not read blogs. I am still cracking up and I’ve read it twice now.

    Comment by Melissa — July 20, 2006 @ 3:06 pm

  3. Matthew, Thanks for sharing and I’m glad everything turned out okay. The next time I have a stressful morning, I’ll remember this and just be thankful I’m not hanging from a gutter!

    Comment by debra — July 20, 2006 @ 5:23 pm

  4. No f-ing way. That is a sitcom right there.

    As a wife, I wouldn’t believe you and think you just didn’t take the diaper out to the garbage and concocted an elaborate story. But that’s just me.

    Let us all know what her response was!!!

    Comment by samantha — July 20, 2006 @ 5:58 pm

  5. [...] Read this.  It will make you feel better whether you believe it or not. [...]

    Pingback by Pixiemom · If You Thought You Had a Bad Day… — July 20, 2006 @ 7:25 pm

  6. Okay, now I feel better! Someone else had a lousy day, too! You win for drama, though, Matthew – the cops didn’t come to my house.

    Just try and sell that one to a sitcom writer. They’d never believe it.

    Comment by Deanna — July 20, 2006 @ 9:31 pm

  7. It sounds like Matthew had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Hysterical, great writing, I am not buying a word of it.

    Comment by Grandmother — July 20, 2006 @ 11:13 pm

  8. I’ll be dropping you a line the next time I need a good excuse!

    Comment by Chag — July 21, 2006 @ 6:43 am

  9. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Oh.My.God. Hysterical and terrible all at the same time.

    Comment by Amy — July 21, 2006 @ 7:31 am

  10. Hysterical!!!!

    I just got introduced to your blog from a friend of mine. LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!

    Comment by Tracy — July 21, 2006 @ 7:45 am

  11. This is INSANE and hysterically funny! I need to send this out…more people need to read this ASAP!

    Comment by KP — July 21, 2006 @ 10:54 am

  12. All of that and you were still able to get the kids to daycare?! You had me at “the smoldering drapes burst into flames…”

    Comment by Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom — July 21, 2006 @ 11:37 am

  13. Oh Matthew… you didn’t. LOLOLOL Classic.

    Comment by BrendaS — July 22, 2006 @ 9:40 pm

  14. I wish my hubby would have that kind of explanation of why there is a lovely aroma filled diaper on my dresser all the time! Oh man i laughed so hard!!!

    Comment by Tiffanie — July 23, 2006 @ 12:40 pm

  15. I am coughing and dying of laughter here.

    When my husband leaves diapers around it is just another day, sadly. I think I would require an intricate story for how he could manage to actually put a diap in the trash can!

    Comment by Kari — July 23, 2006 @ 7:05 pm

  16. I’d have forgiven the dirty diaper after laughing this hard any day. LOL!

    Comment by Aprilleigh — August 5, 2006 @ 8:15 pm

  17. [...] [...]

    Pingback by Childs Play x2 — Because having one just wasn’t enough. » — May 1, 2007 @ 10:05 pm

  18. Are you for real?

    I love people like you, not because I can relate to you but I do love to laugh. No doubt you are the kind of person that lives your life…precariously and with humor as do I.

    I guess you were meant to have twins + chaos = your life. Me too as I have three boys.

    Can’t wait to read more!

    Comment by Jillian — June 9, 2009 @ 4:53 pm

  19. OMG, too funny. Great post!
    And, uh… I’d have let the cat stay outside a little longer. :P

    Comment by Al_Pal — August 21, 2009 @ 6:07 am

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.


Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: