September 19, 2006

A Parent’s Bill of Rights

1) Unsolicited parenting advice shall not be offered to parents of small children.

2) Childcare providers shall not claim to have seen a major milestone prior to it being witnessed by one, but preferably both, parents.

3) No one person, without the express written consent of a child’s parent, shall introduce that child to any or all of the following: Elmo, Barney the Purple Dinosaur or the Teletubbies.

4) All parents shall use their kids as an excuse for not doing something they don’t want to do at least one time per week but not more than five times a week for fear of sounding inept.

5) All parents with children under the age of one may claim sleep deprivation as a valid excuse for just about anything, including but not limited to, falling asleep at work, wearing one grey sock and one black sock, forgetting your cup of coffee on the car roof, and just plain acting dumb.

6) All parents with children under the age of five shall be free of riducule when caught singing “Wheels on the Bus” while at work.

7) All parents, when questioned by their children, shall be able to use the phrase, “Because I said so” when they absolutely cannot think of a valid reason.
8) No parent shall be patronized by a child’s teacher or pediatrician simply because the parent advocates a different approach than said teacher or pediatrician.

9) No parent shall intimidate or threaten another person’s child unless that child is about to date your daughter.

10) No parent shall be tried in the court of public opinion for simply admitting, “I don’t know.”


  1. Amen

    Comment by Trish — September 19, 2006 @ 10:41 pm

  2. 11) Parents with children under two years old have the right to be in public with messy hair and dirty clothes. They never have to expalin this.

    Comment by Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah — September 20, 2006 @ 5:43 am

  3. All for number 5. Jen left her wallet on top of the car once. The person who found it was nice enough to buy gas with it. Lots of gas.

    Comment by Eric — September 20, 2006 @ 5:58 am

  4. May I reserve the right to tell the 10 and up kids to settle down or buzz off after their parents have left them by themselves at a mall playground of which said is for much smaller children? I’ve done this twice. Both times the children were running around and knocking the aforesaid smaller children down.

    Comment by Julie — September 20, 2006 @ 7:02 am

  5. Hear, Hear!

    How about just one more?

    If a pregnant woman suspects that a person or persons, known or unknown, might be readying for an unsolicited grope of a said pregnant woman’s belly, the pregnant woman cannot be held accountable for any of her actions that may occur to said groper(s)?

    Comment by Big Daddy Rob — September 20, 2006 @ 7:49 am

  6. I use the sleep deprived thing often. I wish I was sleeping now. As for using kids as an excuse not to do stuff- love it. Live it.

    Comment by whit — September 20, 2006 @ 10:32 am

  7. 1, 2 and 3: Dream On.
    4: Nah! I know 2 single mothers (Grandmother and Ardene) who attended UCSC with unpotty trained 2 year olds. If they can do that, then anyone else can. NO EXCUSES!
    6: Ok, I give you the different colored socks and coffee mug on the car roof.
    7: “Because…, is good and I like, “This is not a democracy, I did not campaign to be your mother”
    8: Right On
    9: Having been the mother of the sons, I had a gun, for self defense against irate fathers. Never used it, good thing because I am a good shot.
    10: Right on.

    Comment by Grandmother — September 20, 2006 @ 10:58 am

  8. I wish #6 was law.

    And I’m still going to claim sleep deprivation, even though Tad is now 13 months old. I swear I got more done when he was 4 months old and couldn’t move, as compared to now, when he can climb furniture and tries to eat newspaper.

    PS – Grandmother ROCKS! I loved her comment!

    Comment by Deanna — September 20, 2006 @ 11:04 am

  9. I love these. I also realy agree with Sarah’s number 11. I’d like to add 12. All parents with kids under 5 should not have to explain to anyone why they have goldfish, cheerios, pacifiers, spare underwears and two red crayon in their purse at all times.

    Comment by Melissa — September 20, 2006 @ 11:28 am

  10. you can claim sleep deprivation until they move out and are happily on their own and you have no legal responsibilities to them.

    at least that’s what my dad says

    Comment by Trish — September 20, 2006 @ 2:20 pm

  11. Sounds good to me. I’m going to print that out and laminate it :-)

    Comment by samantha jo campen — September 20, 2006 @ 4:13 pm

  12. Bitacle Blog Search Archive – A Parent’s Bill of Rights

    [...] 1) Unsolicited parenting advice shall not be offered to parents of small children. [...]

    Trackback by — September 20, 2006 @ 6:57 pm

  13. I believe that we should add that parents of twins get to smack you STRAIGHT in the face if you tell us tales about how your kids are X month apart and that is JUST LIKE HAVING TWINS.
    Oh really? IS IT? IS IT??
    okay calming down…….

    Comment by Gidge — September 20, 2006 @ 7:19 pm

  14. here here gidge.

    and matthew! you’re gonna become famous from this list! well done! personally, i love #4, especially for its mitigating factors.

    also, i’d like to add:

    11) Households with small children shall be exempt from Daylight Savings.

    Comment by laurie — September 21, 2006 @ 6:39 am

  15. Yeah. What Gidge said. Great list, Matthew.

    Comment by Becky — September 22, 2006 @ 3:19 am

  16. I think we should add that parents have the right to pee in private, and that no crisis are allwed to occur while the parent is in the bathroom…oh and no crying at the door.

    Comment by Nellie — October 19, 2006 @ 10:30 am

  17. Can I add Barbies to number three? This is great! Oh, and also, “No parent shall have to endure the comment ‘Four children? Are you done?’ unless they are also allowed to squeeze the privates of offending party…or something like that.

    Comment by Jen M. — April 4, 2007 @ 10:44 am

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.


Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: