In our home, Princesses are a big deal. We’ve got Ariel and Aurora. Belle and Cinderella. A little bit of Jasmine. (Not really a Mulan or Pocahontas as Disney doesn’t seem to push the Princesses of Color as much – I’ve got some thoughts on that, but that’s another post.)
Disney is making another Princess movie, The Princess and the Frog (little known fact, I was briefly considered for the role of the The Frog, but I wasn’t the right shade of green), and I’m starting to wonder what other Princess stories they can come up with to continue to cash in on the obsession of preschool girls (and their twin brothers who seem to have the hots for a certain red-headed princess with fins) for every cartoon character with a crown.
So I have taken it upon myself to brainstorm some ideas.
The Princess and The Pimp. This follows the story of a cute little prostitute from West Hollywood who doesn’t realize she is really a princess. Her pimp, an evil man who loves nothing more than to screw young girls out of their future (both literally and figuratively) discovers her true identity and goes to great lengths to prevent her from learning the truth. Prince Charming rescues her after a great night of “snuggling under the covers” and she lives happily ever after – or until she dies from Hepatitis a few years later.
Princess Chastity and the Magic Pole. This soon-to-be classic follows stripper extraordinaire Chastity who fights evil by swinging around on her magic stripper pole, destroying evil and delighting boys of all ages. You must pay for the movie fee with $1 bills.
Princess Portia and her Special Princess Friend Ellen. This movie is a double bonus as girls get two princesses for the price of one. Both princesses are extremely successful in their own right and the synergy of princess power is hard to ignore. The movie is bittersweet in that it is difficult to live “happily ever after” when the ultimate scene is not a wedding but a civil ceremony certifying them as “domestic partners.”
Princess Oprah Rules the World. Why not, right? Oprah pretty much owns everything else on this planet – why shouldn’t she get to be a princess too? Promos abound with Oprah screaming, ‘IT’S THE BEST PRINCESS MOVIE EVVV-AAAAAHHHH!” Added bonus: All the dolls of Princess Oprah will come in two sizes: Petite Oprah and “The camera adds 50 pounds” Oprah.
Princess Kate Plus Eight Munchkins. A takeoff on the classic Snow White, Princess Kate suddenly finds herself taking care of eight little ones after her loser Prince turns out to be a skirt-chasing scumbag. Unfortunately, Princess Kate succumbs to the pressures of Princesshood and ends up sleeping with her bodyguard royal servant.
Princess Swee’Pea and Princess Monk. This movie is based on real life examples of how Princess Swee’Pea owns all of the beautiful princess gowns but her brother covets them and wears them every chance he gets. The movie ends when Princess Monk is finally given his very own Princess Dress to wear whenever he wants.
These are just a handful of ideas. If Disney wants to hire me to do some consulting for their next big Princess film, then I’m more than willing to help out.
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