September 28, 2009

So they say it’s her birthday…

Dear Renee,

I hear it’s your birthday and some of your friends are getting together to throw you a virtual birthday party. And I know I only just met you at BlogHer and while I’m pretty sure we were once sprawled on the same bed in a hotel room*, I thought you were pretty cool. And I never miss a good party.

So, I volunteered to bring the pinata. But not just any pinata. This pinata was bought for my daughter by her evil Grandmother who wanted to ship it off to our home after a visit last year. See for yourself the pinata in all its glory:

hello kitty pinata

As you can see, it’s a Hello Kitty pinata. It’s pretty. It has a cute little pink shirt and a cute little pink bow and cute little whiskers. Take a moment to bask in it’s cuteness. Perhaps Hello Kitty brings back certain memories for you. An old backpack, a pencil case with a built-in pencil sharpener or little erasers that smell like bubble gum. Or maybe it means nothing to you. That’s the trouble with surprise parties, you do the best you can with what you’ve got.

Anyway, it’s so cute. Just imagine it at your party. Hear the laughter of friends and family drifting into the air. You can smell the barbecue and the feel the warmth of early fall sunshine fall upon your serene face. All is right with the world. It is then that you casually walk over to Hello Kitty, pick up the baseball bat nestled up against the tree and…

BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF IT!!!! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!! KNOCKING HER FRICKIN’ HEAD INTO A PULP!!! YOU SWING MERCILESSLY AND THAT STUPID PINK BOW COMES LOOSE AND FLOATS INTO THE AIR WHILE YOU CONTINUE TO BEAT THAT DAMN KITTY WELL AFTER THE MOMENT WHEN THE CANDY COMES FLYING OUT!!!! THE KITTY CONTINUES TO SWAY VIOLENTLY AS YOU KNOCK EVERY RECOGNIZABLE PART OF THAT KITTY TO TIMBUKTU!!!

And just like that, you nestle the bat back against the tree and smile knowing that no one at that party, after witnessing your violent assault on Hello Kitty, will EVER even think of messing with you or your family.

Have a Happy Birthday, Renee! You deserve it!

To be clear, the sharing of a bed isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds when half a dozen other people are sprawled around the room as we try and coordinate our party itinerary for the evening.

7 Comments

  1. I now think maybe that’s how all birthdays should be celebrated!

    Happy Birthday, Renee! I hope I can have a piece of your virtual cake. :-)

    Comment by Maura — September 28, 2009 @ 1:52 am

  2. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! I love this. You are awesome.

    I’m sensing a little anger at Hello Kitty however. Maybe you should see someone about that?

    Comment by Issa — September 28, 2009 @ 8:41 am

  3. Awesome! I love pinatas and the thought of beating up Hello Kitty to get some treats sounds really fun. Thanks so much.

    Comment by But Why Mommy — September 28, 2009 @ 9:53 am

  4. You didn’t mention that she stands 3 feet and can easily hold 10lbs of her favorite candy.

    PS. Wonderful grandmother just purchased a new piƱata, Kai-Lan…haahaahaahaahaaa!

    Comment by Grandmother — September 28, 2009 @ 10:38 am

  5. That was flipping hilarious. I’d write LOL, because I truly am, but I can’t remember whether you are one of those people that hates LOL, or one who likes LOL, or one who doesn’t care. I can’t keep up. But if I have to guess, having actually met you at BlogHer, I’m going with – you don’t care about the use of LOL.

    So, LOL!!!!! :-)

    Wait. I didn’t think about how you might feel about smiley faces…

    Comment by Kari — September 28, 2009 @ 11:41 pm

  6. My kids always love pinatas – it should be a great time! Hope Renee has a great birthday. (BTW – I do remember all that Hello Kitty paraphernalia. Loved it when we were little!)

    Comment by Lynette Mattke — September 29, 2009 @ 4:58 am

  7. This definitely makes one think a little bit more about this “traditional” experience of beating a paper mache animal for celebratory reasons. And humorous, great post! :)

    Comment by Mom Gift — September 30, 2009 @ 9:00 am

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