May 16, 2009

Riddle me this…

Lately, this parenting thing has raised more questions than answers. So many questions come up every day that I thought I’d throw up a few to see if any of you might enlighten me. Or, perhaps, you have some questions of your own. Either way, leave a comment and we’ll get through this parenting thing together.

How is it that 5 minute naps in the car means your child will not fall asleep again until Letterman signs off?

Is there a limit to how many times a kid can poop in one day?

Why does your child wait until the guy with the mohawk and the tattoo of a swatsika on his forehead is standing right next to you to ask, “Daddy, why does that man look like that?!”

Why does your child’s extreme need to tell you something always coincide with your need to use the bathroom?

How can the hour before bed time seem like a year and the year between birthdays seem like an hour?

Why do the words, “Daddy, come see what I did!” send chills down my spine?

How can a child who can’t count past 13 know when she’s been short-changed in the snack department?

Why does the three-year-old get to control the remote?

Why do tantrums always seem to occur when you’re running late?

Why can’t both kids get sick at the same time?

When do kids learn to wipe their own butt?

Why don’t marker sets come with extra pink and extra blue pens?

Can ketchup be considered a vegetable?

Why don’t more foods come in the shape of a nugget?

Why don’t upscale restaurants have a Drive-Thru?

Why do the words “Be gentle with the cat” sink in just fine but the words “Don’t hit your brother,” don’t?

Why did the Thomas The Train people name a train Percy? Don’t they know how that sounds from a little boy who has trouble pronouncing his “R’s”?

When will Kelly and Handy Manny finally get it on in the back of the hardware store?

Why do kids always miss the toy the day after you throw it out?

Do kids lack the ability to recognize they’ve seen the same damn episode of [insert any children's television show here] three times in the past five days?

When will I finally get this parenting thing figured out?


  1. As a Mom to 2 boys, an almost 4 year old and 9 month old, the answer to the last question would most likely be…”never” And I totally agree with that “feels like a year” before they are finally in bed. If only …”you break it, we fix it, simple as night and day…” was really true! This time of innocence I think is some of the the most precious. I hope I survive it ;)

    Comment by Pam — May 16, 2009 @ 11:33 pm

  2. You haven’t seen the X-Rated Handy Manny yet? Man, i tell you Kelly has some mighty fine pixels on her.

    Comment by Dan — May 17, 2009 @ 12:00 am

  3. Ok I had never thought of the Percy problem. Couldn’t even figure what it was while I tried saying it without out the R. Lucky for me I have a 4yr old who was happy to help. Um that is pretty damn funny. I will never look at Percy the same.

    Comment by kirsten — May 17, 2009 @ 4:30 am

  4. When my 13 yr old grand daughter was 3 she got sick and all she wanted to watch, over and over and over again, was The Wizard of Oz. To this day I can’t watch that movie.. lol

    Comment by Charlotte — May 17, 2009 @ 8:27 am

  5. I have come to believe many of these questions have no answers. If they do, we’ll probably figure them out at roughly the time our children are moving out of the house.

    But, way to nail the questions, buddy. :)

    Comment by badassdad05 — May 17, 2009 @ 8:46 am

  6. I totally agree with your post. Parenting is merely something to experience. . I don’t think we’re ever really supposed to figure it out. I’m pretty sure no one ever has.

    I like this one:

    “Why do kids always miss the toy the day after you throw it out?”

    That ALWAYS happens.


    Comment by Kat "Atomic Mom" — May 17, 2009 @ 9:30 am

  7. As a nanny to 4.5 yr old twins, I’m very much looking forward to the day when butts no longer need to be wiped. Shouldn’t it be here already?

    Comment by bleachusd — May 17, 2009 @ 11:58 am

  8. I think my favorite is the question on the hour before bedtime and the hour between birthdays. i have yet to even try to figure it out…just going along for the ride so far. you are such a great writer. :)

    Comment by mamie — May 17, 2009 @ 12:52 pm

  9. I have now been a parent for seven and a half years Matthew. I still have no clue half the time. But it sure is worth the ride. I think I might be able to answer a few questions for you. You know, the one’s I’ve someone managed to accidentally figure out.

    Why does the three-year-old get to control the remote? Because you are a sucker?

    When do kids learn to wipe their own butt? Somewhere in the forth year of life.

    Can ketchup be considered a vegetable? Yes, if they are dipping something into it. If they are sucking it out of the package (not saying mine do this) then no.

    Why don’t upscale restaurants have a Drive-Thru? I have no idea on this one but I really wish they would. It would help me out so much. DO they really want our kids there? No. So someone needs to work on this.

    Do kids lack the ability to recognize they’ve seen the same damn episode of [insert any children's television show here] three times in the past five days? No, they know, they just don’t care. They want to know all the words by heart, so they can repeat them to you forever.

    Comment by Issa — May 17, 2009 @ 1:59 pm

  10. Try having two boys who couldn’t say “L” sounds but totally adored FLAGS. Every time we would go out and about we would hear, “Mom, look at the big….” and run to cover their mouths!!

    I so feel your pain. We still have wiping issues but I didn’t think we would live long enough to get them potty trained and we did.

    I would also like to know why children feel the need to caulk the bathroom sink with toothpaste each time they brush.

    Comment by Laurie — May 17, 2009 @ 4:20 pm

  11. All very good questions Matthew. Unfortunately, I have no answers. But here’s another one for you…

    How do kids know when you are *just* about to snap and suddenly become little angels? Self-preservation? Clairvoyance?

    Comment by Kate — May 17, 2009 @ 4:55 pm

  12. Excellent questions. Let me know when you find the answers.

    Comment by Miss Grace — May 17, 2009 @ 6:53 pm

  13. So uhhh….which question do you want answered first?

    Comment by Surfer Jay — May 17, 2009 @ 8:35 pm

  14. The wipe the bottom thing…Kandoo Wipes (or their equivalent). Totally worth EVERY penny…

    Comment by Stacy — May 17, 2009 @ 8:53 pm

  15. Deep thoughts, man. Me personally, I’d like more foods to come either in the shape of dinosaurs or Mickey Mouse. On the opposite side of the kid spectrum, why does my 16-year-old sister talk more to me via texting than on an actual phone or in person?? It’s like her mouth was replaced with very fast thumbs.

    Comment by Deanna — May 17, 2009 @ 9:49 pm

  16. When you have grandchildren…and then your mother comes to live with you and it starts all over again.

    Comment by Grandmother — May 17, 2009 @ 10:48 pm

  17. YES!! MOAR Nugget shaped food, thankyouverymuch. Genius

    Comment by Anissa@Hope4Peyton — May 18, 2009 @ 5:10 am

  18. I think I have asked myself every single one of these questions.

    Especially the ones about Percy and wiping.

    Comment by Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah — May 18, 2009 @ 6:05 am

  19. We are still working on wiping at 6 and I think it is sinking in. Good luck, I don’t think these questions have answers. I think it just ends and then the harder questions come along, like how young is too young for a bra?

    Comment by Sonya — May 18, 2009 @ 8:07 am

  20. And why did they paint Percy with the number sex?

    Comment by lumpyheadsmom — May 18, 2009 @ 2:18 pm

  21. These are the unanswerable questions of the parenting universe. And dude, I was totally wondering that about Manny and Kelly the other day!

    Comment by Kat — May 18, 2009 @ 6:09 pm

  22. Haha! Great questions! I’m glad I’m not the only one with them!

    This is my first time visiting your blog but I’m loving it already! I found you in the bloggers choice awards and I just voted for you! Good luck!

    I don’t mean to spam you but if you get a chance, I’m up in the Best Parenting Blog Category (my blog is a mommy blog with a twist–I’m not a mom, haha) and I’d love your vote! Thanks so much!

    Comment by Jenn aka Future Mama — May 18, 2009 @ 10:20 pm

  23. Kids also lack the same ability to recogonize they’ve had me read the same book to them three times in the past five days.

    Comment by above average joe — May 19, 2009 @ 9:24 am

  24. About the wiping – a distasteful job perhaps but better than worrying about poop being spread all over the house once they insist on wiping themselves. As a germophobe mom of a 4yr old, everytime I come out of my babies room having finished nursing or rocking him and my 4yr old says, “I pooped, don’t worry I wiped myself AND washed my hands”, I immediately have a flash of all the things that could be contaminated with poop in the last 10min. My idea of thorough hand washing and hers really aren’t the same.

    Comment by Ginger — May 19, 2009 @ 5:06 pm

  25. My husband and I have been making lewd comments (under our breath of course) about Manny and Kelly since Day 1 of watching it. Seriously…get to it already! Lord. Did our parents have the same thoughts about the Smurfs and the gang form Scooby Doo????

    Comment by KandJsmom — May 20, 2009 @ 10:00 am

  26. When they’re older, you’ll start wondering why the marker sets don’t come with extra black pens too. We keep a huge box of markers and crayons at our house for visiting kids. I can’t tell you how many times my nieces have run through all of the black so that I’m constantly buying packs of markers JUST FOR the black ones. It used to be the same way about pink. It’s phenomenal.

    Comment by Sarah @ — May 21, 2009 @ 3:57 pm

  27. Ginger (#24), I’m with you! I preferred to do it myself. That lasted until they were six.

    My boys are now ages 6-12, and I still can’t use the bathroom in peace and quiet and privacy. There’s always some emergency.

    According to our school’s hot lunch program, ketchup does count as a vegetable. However, did you know that tomatoes are actually fruit?

    Comment by Kila — May 21, 2009 @ 9:04 pm

  28. For that matter lots of the “vegetables” we eat are fruits (cucumbers, corn, squash, okra, etc) or legumes (peas, etc). So since we’re not calling them the correct names anyway, seems like you can count ketchup as whatever you want.

    Comment by Ginger — May 23, 2009 @ 2:53 am

  29. “How can the hour before bed time seem like a year and the year between birthdays seem like an hour?”

    I love this one!

    Also – I have NO idea when they start wiping their own butt. My son was all excited about doing it by himself when he turned four, but he couldn’t reach right! So I’m still wiping his butt and he’s 15! Ha ha. Just kidding. He’ll be five in November, I’m hoping that’ll be the day…

    Comment by Cathy — May 23, 2009 @ 7:07 pm

  30. When you get some answers please let me know.

    Comment by samantha jo campen — May 25, 2009 @ 7:21 pm

  31. My son couldn’t pronounce his R’s or L’s for a long time. For our enjoyment we used to ask him to say Percy & Clocks over and over. We may have scarred him for life but we sure did have a good laugh.

    Comment by KAS — June 6, 2009 @ 8:31 am

  32. I’m on the flushable wet wipes train myself here. I have a 6YO & 3YO, and the 6YO still has issues occasionally. But you know, I remember in college, from the community laundry room, noting that some guys apparently had not gotten the wiping thing down, so not to rain on your parade or anything…

    I personally find the hour before dinner to be the longest of the day, but I have no issues send them to bed early. ;-)

    Comment by mama speak — June 6, 2009 @ 10:43 am

  33. I absolutely loved this. Thank you.

    Comment by December — June 17, 2009 @ 12:31 pm

  34. OMG. You are hilarious. I have a 3 year old boy and a 1 year old girl. My husband asks the same question about Handy Manny every time Kelly pops up on the screen. My son wipes his own butt, but I find that we use flushable wipes so I have an easier time with the streaks in his underwear :D (as to comment 24, my son knows not to leave the bathroom until I’ve watched him wash his hands)I. think EVERY store should have a drive thru. And I love number 31. I can’t remember what word my son had a hard time with, but damn it was funny.

    Comment by Jen G — July 26, 2009 @ 9:06 am

  35. Five minute naps are the work of Satan himself. I all but wreck the car trying desperately to avoid them.

    Comment by Halala Mama — November 21, 2010 @ 11:23 am

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.


Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: