May 30, 2009

Retirement Options

Dear Swee’Pea and TheMonk,

You might not be aware of this right now, but we’re in a recession. The economy has taken a dive and families all over the country have taken a hit in the wallet. We’re no different. Our house is worth much, much less than when we bought it and retirement funds have been slashed as well.

As I have been eying our options, I have come to the conclusion that you two are the single biggest factor in how your mother and I live our golden years. No pressure but every life decision you make will directly impact the quality of life we will have. In case you needed some clarification on how this works, I have taken the liberty of creating some scenarios for you so that you can better understand the connection between your mother and father’s happiness and your own future.

Married vs. Single
If you stay single I upgrade to a BMW (and save a little “just in case” there’s a future wedding)
If you decide to elope, I upgrade to a porsche within the week.
If, however, you have a real wedding, I downgrade to a unicycle bought off Craigslist from an unemployed circus clown.

Prestigious University vs. School of Hard Knocks
If you don’t go to college, your mother and I take your college fund and travel the French Riviera for weeks on end dining on escargot, caviar and lobster.
If, however, you do go to college, we travel as far as the local Taco Bell, dining on 7-layer burritos before rushing back to the house in gastrointestinal distress while arguing who gets to use the “good” bathroom.
Of course, if you don’t go to college you’ll have other worries – like where you’ll live.

Fame & Fortune vs. Do-Gooder
If you become famous for something other than appearing naked in a magazine, leading to untold riches, your parents will be moving to a Hawaiian estate overlooking the ocean. You will pay for it. It’s in the contract you signed when you were three. I know it’s in crayon but it’s still enforceable in a court of law.
If, however, you follow your old man into the non-profit world, your parents will be renting out your old rooms to some meth-smoking college students who steal our identity and spend your inheritance on pay-per-view porn and prostitutes.

Near vs. Far
If you marry your high school sweetheart, live nearby and come visit us periodically, you can make sure we’re okay on a regular basis and we’ll be able to live in peace knowing loved ones will be there for us in our times of need.
If, however, you find love, move away, have kids and never come back except for the odd holiday or high school reunion, one day you will realize you haven’t heard from us in a while and authorities will subsequently find our mummified bodies. I will be sitting in front of the TV, remote in had, with Food Network still on. Your mother will be found staring forlornly at the phone that never, ever rang.

I’m still in the process of creating Plan B for retirement. So far I have come up with a handful of ideas but they all include webcams and farm animals and I don’t think your mother is going to sign off on any of these ideas. So, as you see, your decisions are what really will make or break the latter years of our lives.

Choose wisely.


  1. Get your own grandchildren!

    Comment by Grandmother — May 30, 2009 @ 11:45 pm

  2. This would make a great Choose Your Own Adventure book. I’m just saying.

    Comment by LauraC — May 31, 2009 @ 5:25 am

  3. I think you should just start telling them to be surgeons. Surgery is the only option. The schooling is expensive, but with you all non-profity, they could qualify for some great scholarships.

    I mean, I even made my kid dress as one for Halloween, so everyone could tell her how good she’d looks as one. Next year, I’ll make them all do it. I figure if I can even get two of the three to sign on for it, I will have a house and an allowance in my old age.

    Comment by Issa — May 31, 2009 @ 9:47 am

  4. Heh. Hee. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha … Waaaaah!

    Torn between laughter and body-wracking soul-shuddering sobs.

    Comment by badassdadblog — May 31, 2009 @ 10:09 am

  5. Wow. THAT is hysterical. I’m totally writing up contracts for my kids right now.

    There was lot of guilt in that blog letter, too. Are by chance Catholic? (LMAO…no worries…I AM, and intend that only to be self-deprecating…the guilt just sounded so, so familiar…)

    Angel, aka TheMommyTsunami

    Comment by TheMommyTsunami — May 31, 2009 @ 11:45 am

  6. I’m betting we won’t have to pay much for college (unless they choose IVY League…). With TheMonk’s car racing abilities and the fact I can no longer catch him and he laps me and Swee’Pea’s running around after him, we’ll have two kids running circles around us. It should bode well for scholarships unless they run us into the ground. In which they’ll be living the high life and we’ll be in the grave…

    Comment by Andrea — May 31, 2009 @ 12:27 pm

  7. My parents offered me money to elope. I probably should have taken them up on that.

    Forget medical school – the years in school will be cripplingly expensive, and then they spend all of those years paying off their student loans instead of spending it on their parents. I vote for nursing school – have you SEEN what nurses make these days??? They can practically write their own tickets.

    I have already told my kids that they are paying their own way through college, and that their father and I will be spending everything that we save up so that when we die, it will all be gone and there will be nothing for them to fight over. I’m doing this for THEM – I want them to be nice to each other after I’m dead and not there to break up the fights.

    Comment by Deanna — June 1, 2009 @ 8:20 am

  8. I am fully expecting my oldest to be successful enough to support me for the rest of my days. Is that wrong?

    Comment by ali — June 1, 2009 @ 8:25 am

  9. My retirement plan is centered, in entirety, around the idea that Gabriel is going to support me financially in my old age.

    Are you saying I need a fall-back?

    Comment by Miss Grace — June 1, 2009 @ 10:49 am

  10. You are very, very funny.

    Comment by Aina — June 3, 2009 @ 8:14 pm

  11. Ahahahaha. No pressure kids, no pressure. And just FYI, that is totally how I’m going to die. In a chair watching the food network. I can safely say this, because even when working, I’m sitting in a chair with the food network on.

    Comment by Kellee — June 5, 2009 @ 8:37 am

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