Washington, D.C. – In a surprise move today, leaders of both the House and the Senate proposed legislation that would allow the Federal Government to hold a yard sale to raise much-needed capital for the nation’s ailing financial sector.
Standing on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial (which featured an orange sticker with the price tag of $1,000,000 plastered to Lincoln’s forehead), Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, House Republican Leader John Boehner, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, in a rare showing of bipartisanship, declared the need to sell off stuff the nation has laying around.
“We have become a nation of hoarders and collectors and now is the time to break that habit while also raising much-needed funds to help bolster the confidence of the U.S. and World markets.” said, Pelosi.
When asked what articles the U.S. would put up for sale, Senator McConnell (R-KY) began reading from a list. “First, we’ll start off with stuff no one would miss or is broken. That would include the Liberty Bell, Old Yankee Stadium, South Dakota, one of John McCain’s houses, the Hollywood sign, a 2008 Hummer, office furniture from Bear Stearns, and the Florida Marlins.” But, he acknowledged, that might not be enough. “We might have to make some tough choices when it comes to deciding what to sell. Next up on the list would be Barack Obama’s Letterman’s jacket, New Yankee Stadium, the Jersey Shore, Lake Huron (because, frankly, no one knows where it is) and, because Sarah Palin insists the Russians would be interested, Western Alaska.”
When pressed by the media, Congressman Boehner (R-OH) also acknowledged the difficulty in arranging a yard sale of such scale. “President Bush is 100% behind this and since he’s always bragging about how big Texas is, Texas has agreed to host the yard sale. We also realize that we’ll have to have a lot more stuff to sell off and people are stepping forward to help. Sarah Palin has volunteered to round up a bunch of books from the Alaska public library and Barack Obama has donated a signed copy of his book along with the copy of the Iliad he pretended to read as a first-year student at Columbia. Senator Reid (D-NV) has offered to put up the Las Vegas Strip to the highest bidder and Former President Clinton has offered to personally escort the buyer of the Las Vegas strip to all the good strip joints. Senator Clinton promises to look the other way while also promising to ‘wholeheartedly support Senator Obama’.”
Senator Reid (D-NV) pledged that Wall Street will be expected to help in this endeavor. “They are not getting a free ride.” he insisted. “All the CEOs will donate their golden parachutes to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. They have also pledged to hand-write hundreds of “Yard Sale This Saturday” signs on cardboard and to put them at intersections across the country. The banks have also agreed to hand out free stress balls with WAMU’s logo on it to the first 1,000 buyers.”
Congresswoman Pelosi ended the press conference by assuring the public that the U.S. Government is in control. “Rest assured that we have a plan that will work. The American people will once again have faith in our financial sector once we sell off all those used shoes hanging from telephone wires. And, I’d like to add, we never would have been in this mess if it weren’t for those bastard Republicans.”
The Yard Sale will be held deep in the heart of Texas on Saturday from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Serious buyers will want to arrive early for a chance to purchase the high end merchandise. The Florida Marlins, however, should still be available for the late arriving crowd.
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