September 18, 2007

A bag a day keeps the doctor away

I have been known to be lazy at times (insert snicker of my wife here). My clothes don’t always make it to the hamper, crumbs sometimes remain on a counter long after the toast has been buttered and I purposefully buy slip-on dress shoes so I don’t have to bother with tying them.

If you asked me, I might be coaxed into admitting these indiscretions but I wouldn’t necessarily call myself lazy. In fact I do have my moments where I’m a machine of action. For instance I will change a diaper whenever it’s needed because I know I wouldn’t necessarily enjoy sitting around in my own urine or feces so I imagine it’s not pleasant for Swee’Pea and TheMonk either. I unload the dishwasher when it calls, I make pancakes for breakfast every weekend, and I will go grocery shopping as soon as the last packet of Top Ramen is consumed.

But lately I have done something that makes me ashamed to be a part of the human race. In fact it is so blatantly lazy that I am ashamed to even admit this to you right now. But they say confession is good for the soul and I need some serious soul cleansing after this transgression.

Are you ready?

Okay, here it goes.

I have been buying apples that are already sliced.

And I like them.

I mean, how lazy can I be?! Apples don’t even need to be sliced to eat them! They are the king of fruits for all lazy bastards everywhere and I have to have them sliced?!

I tried convincing myself that I was doing it for the kids but deep down in my soul I knew it was for me. But I tell you, there’s nothing that takes you back to nature like tearing open a plastic bag full of sliced apple.

Go ahead and mock me if you will but I will not repent! I love my apples and you cannot stop me from enjoying fruit the way God intended – you know, coated in ascorbic acid to keep them deliciously fresh for an inordinate amount of time.


  1. The question is: are you buying those pre-sliced apples in bulk at Costco? Because if you’re not, then we have to talk about the way God intended us to shop – wholesale, in large quantities.

    Comment by Deanna — September 18, 2007 @ 11:10 pm

  2. With carmel dip! Gotta have the sticky sugar goodness to counteract anything healthy in the apples.

    Comment by Katie — September 19, 2007 @ 5:16 am

  3. You mean thats not how they naturally come!!??

    Comment by geena — September 19, 2007 @ 5:46 am

  4. I love these too! (And, definitely with the caramel dip.) I have stopped buying them after my last experience, in which I did not eat them for a couple of days and the containers exploded inside my fridge. It scared me off apples for a while!

    Comment by Annie — September 19, 2007 @ 8:55 am

  5. That’s lazy? I thought it was a time saver so I could spend more time with my kids and less trying to chop up an apple for them. Oh, and me. I like the sliced apples too. BUT I have to agree with Deanna. Wholesale!!

    Comment by Julie — September 19, 2007 @ 9:02 am

  6. Man, first bread and now this.

    Comment by Whit — September 19, 2007 @ 11:09 am

  7. If I don’t buy them sliced they just end up rotting on my counter.

    I don’t know why.

    Comment by Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah — September 19, 2007 @ 3:07 pm

  8. I just stumbled across these about a month ago. I, too, am buying them now. My kids don’t eat them. I, however, eat some every single day.

    Comment by Amy — September 19, 2007 @ 3:25 pm

  9. Dude, I’m right there with you. And feel free to join me with the pre-peeled onions, the boxed ready-to-go lettuce, and the pre-cooked chicken breast strips.

    Now, if I could just get someone to feed me.

    Comment by Mitch McDad — September 20, 2007 @ 8:00 am

  10. These in conjunction with the new individual cups of peanut butter have made my life so much better.

    Enjoy and don’t fee guilty!!! (And be proud of yourself for getting in a serving or two of fruit in every day!)

    Comment by samantha jo campen — September 20, 2007 @ 12:48 pm

  11. i’ve seen them; they’ve been in my cart even. but i’ve actually never let myself get out of the store with them. for some reason, i think of the deluxe apple slicer i have (one push and the thing is sliced) and i can’t justify it. i think i spent like $10 on that slicer, surely i need to justify its purchase for at least a year!

    Comment by amy — September 23, 2007 @ 5:17 pm

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