April 22, 2007

Performance Anxiety

Now I know that I’ve written before about how I’m not looking forward to this potty training thing. However, something just happened that makes me even more sure that this potty training thing is a bit overrated.

This morning I had morning duty with the kids while Mommy got some much-deserved rest. At some point I became aware that I was going to have to use the facility – or as we now say in our household, “Go caca” (which is the spanish word for Poo Poo for those of you that aren’t bilingual).

Two things bothered me about this revelation. One, I wouldn’t be able to set up office in the restroom with this week’s Sports Illustrated or the Sunday Target Ads. The second, was that I didn’t want to call attention to me having to use the facility by enclosing the twins in our “kid safe” zone. Instead, I let them watch Sign Language videos while I quietly snuck into the downstairs bathroom to do some quick business, leaving the door slightly ajar.

No sooner had I settled down when TheMonk appeared. Normally, he’s not allowed to go into the downstairs restroom because it’s where we have the cat food and water – something that is far more interesting to little toddlers than it should be. Taking advantage of my compromised position, he sauntered in with a mischevious half-smile that seemed to say, “Try getting me out of here with your pants around your ankles, Daddy.”

As I hurried the act, TheMonk pointed out all the things in the bathroom. “Kitty Food…” “Kitty Water…” and if there was any doubt to what Daddy was doing, “Daddy, Ca Ca!”

This announcement piqued the interest of another little one in the house and Swee’Pea arrived to see the spectacle. Suddenly, I felt very exposed. I also realized that the only thing left for me to do was wipe. Now, if it was meant for humans to watch each other wipe, God wouldn’t have invented doors. But there I was, about to wipe, with four little eyes intently watching.

I stood up quickly to do the deed and took care of business as quickly as possible. While doing this, TheMonk pointed to the bowl and yelled, once again, “Daddy Ca Ca!”

I am finally done and I pull up my pants with my audience following my every move. I decide to ensure they see all aspects of using the toilet by announcing that I’m going to wash my hands. This isn’t nearly as exciting as watching Daddy poop so the crowd disperses in much the same way after police have cleaned up a crime scene – they both move along.

I finish washing my hands and reflect on this experience. I know that all the potty training books advocate having the kids watch a parent to see what this “using the potty” thing is all about. It’s something I’m not looking forward to. Then I remember… There’s another parent in this household.

Let’s all go watch Mommy! Yay!

14 Comments

  1. Nothing gets by TheMonk. Too funny. I am surprised he didn’t notice how you both “look alike”.

    Think of how much money you’ll save once they are potty trained. Getting them potty trained and teaching them to drive will be the most liberating aspects of parenting. Both of these mile stones are unfortunately prone to “accidents” or speeding tickets and higer insurance rates, but the up side; you have 14 years in between these mile stones.

    Comment by Grandmother — April 22, 2007 @ 12:46 pm

  2. Just wait till they say ” Oh poo poos, Good Job!” And they say it with such enthusiasm.

    Comment by Shannon — April 23, 2007 @ 7:49 am

  3. Yikes, performance under pressure. Way to power through it.

    Comment by Holmes — April 23, 2007 @ 2:26 pm

  4. As someone who takes about half a day to do my business (I get my copy of SI on Thursdays and have it pretty much read cover to cover by Mondays), I realized early on that, during my mornings (every Sunday) I would have to leave the door open.

    While it’s definitely a bit … odd at first (I used to be unable to perform with anyone within 10 feet of the bathroom, let alone watching me) you will get used to it. And doing so will speed up the process of getting them trained. Or at least TheMonk … Swee’Pea may be better served to watch Mommy.

    Comment by Mark D — April 23, 2007 @ 7:57 pm

  5. Oh yeah? Well when I took my nephew to the mall, I had to ‘potty’–BAD. So I strolled him into the handicapped stall with me. He’s talking to himself, unaware of what I was doing, until all of a sudden he looks at me and says, “What’s dat smell Auntie Sam?”

    I nearly died.

    Comment by samantha jo campen — April 23, 2007 @ 8:21 pm

  6. No such thing as privacy for parents.

    My boys freak out each month when I bleed, no matter how much I try to hide it.

    Don’t worry about the whole potty training thing. They do it when they are darn good and ready to do it, and it’s always before kindergarten. Just supply them with potty chairs, a variety of pull-ups and underpants, and good ol’ peer pressure from their little friends, and let them take it from there.

    Comment by momto3cubs — April 24, 2007 @ 9:54 am

  7. Your own little cheering section.
    So funny.

    It will be fun when they announce what they saw to strangers.

    My daughter told everyone within earshot at a restaurant that …”my mommy had bad diarhea!”

    Comment by teresa — April 24, 2007 @ 1:53 pm

  8. HAAAA!!! Nothing like a little audience while you’re doing your business!!

    I always brought Isaac with me, since I didn’t trust the little imp by himself. I had to laugh the first time my husband was alone with the kids and realized he’d have company in the bathroom. The issue had never occurred to him before!

    Comment by Redhead Mommy — April 25, 2007 @ 7:03 am

  9. God, to have some privacy….do we ever get to go back to the time in our lives when a closed bathroom door meant no one would come in?

    Comment by Jen M. — April 25, 2007 @ 8:54 am

  10. Dude that was sooo funny. Though we are not at potty training yet, it never seems to fail that whenever mother nature calls Fred just happens to be wonder into the bathroom. Along with him comes the cat. I call it the poop parade.

    Comment by Bill — April 25, 2007 @ 12:01 pm

  11. I have the best father daughter picture, with daddy on the toilet and Gylani (our daughter) on her potty. Its classic!

    Comment by Gyamfua — April 25, 2007 @ 2:28 pm

  12. Good gracious, was that your first experience being watched? Mine have been in on my business since the moment they could walk. I haven’t gone to the potty in private in about 10 months. Ditto for bathing…

    Comment by Amy — April 25, 2007 @ 5:35 pm

  13. Just wait! My oldest would yell and scream for us to come “look at my snakey poop!!!” Always a treat when we have company, or there is another great one… “MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM, come wipe my butt!”

    Comment by Georgia — April 25, 2007 @ 5:42 pm

  14. We are in the midst of potty training our 2.5 year old son. It was a very interesting and tiring experience. You can read about it here, if you so choose: http://mccathy.blogspot.com/

    Comment by Cathy — April 27, 2007 @ 3:55 pm

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