A guide for new parents
Now that I’ve accumulated a vast amount of experience in my (almost) first year of being a parent, I feel that I’m qualified enough to hand out some pointers to those who are traversing this slippery slope called parenthood for the first time. I know many people find parenting blogs hoping to gain little nuggets of wisdom in how to handle a seven-pound bundle of pure energy. So, here are few things I’ve learned that might be useful…
1) Lowrider pants for babies? Eyeballing the size of baby clothes is an acquired skill. What I’ve learned is if you go by the age on the label of baby clothes, it will be too small. For example, if your baby is 6 months old, go with the 9 month clothes. I cannot tell you how many times I tried on an outfit only to find that the baby had almost outgrown it. They won’t fit into those clothes for long so wear them early and wear them often.
2) How do I look in this thong? Always have the next-sized diaper on hand. One day, the baby will fit fine into that size one diaper and the next day your baby will look like it’s sunbathing on the French Riviera. Trust me, the thong look isn’t what you want when it’s time for your baby to go Number Two.
3) What’s up doc? We have taken full advantage of our health plan’s advice nurse. We’ve made at least 4 or 5 visits to the emergency room or to the “after-hours” pediatrician. Just resign yourself to the fact that you may have to drop everything and go to the doctor. For some reason, babies seem to know when you have an important meeting at work or when American Idol is on and they pick that time to start tugging painfully at their ear.
4) There’s no I in TEAM. Raising a baby is everyone’s job. Dads, I love you. I really do. But we get a bad rap when it comes to baby care out there and the only way we’re going to beat this rap is for us to rise up and change diapers, do 3:00 a.m. feedings, and play with the kids. Oh, and moms out there, I love you too. I really do. But you have to trust us dads just a little bit. I mean, what are the chances we’ll actually maim the child? It’s really very slim.
5) It’s 1:00 p.m., do you know where your child is? Getting your baby on a schedule is probably the best thing you can do for you and your child. With twins, the schedule got us through the first year. It will get you through your first year too. Nap times? Same time every day. Feeding times? Ditto. Your baby will respond well and you’ll be happy knowing what your day will look like.
6) Sleeping Beauty. Everyone has ideas on how to get a baby to sleep through the night. We used a modifed version of the Ferber method but the important thing is to use the method you feel most comfortable with. Just know that once a baby is ready to sleep through the night, do your best to facilitate it. Why torture yourself any longer than necessary?
7) No one likes a know-it-all. When it comes to parenting, we can never know it all. Keep yourself open to new ideas because when you continue to learn, your baby is the winner.
Well, that’s all I got for now. What about my loyal readers? What advice would you give a new parent?
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It isn’t going to be at all what you expected. It will be harder than you thought and better than you thought.
Don’t worry about what the other parents say you have to do. Whatever works for you is right, and it won’t be the same for every child you have. Go with the flow.
Other advice – always keep plenty of diapers and wipes on hand. You never want to run out on the one occasion your child decides to actually take a nap.
Comment by Sarah — May 30, 2006 @ 1:43 pm
Learn to say “No”. When visiting family or when family visits, learn to politely tell them when your child’s schedule dictates something, or when it isn’t convinient to drive 10 hours to see family. You know what’s best for your child.
Comment by Corinne — May 30, 2006 @ 2:41 pm
When someone offers you help, TAKE IT. Go to someone else’s house for dinner. Accept the babysitting offers (if you are comfortable with the person offering). Don’t try to be Supermom/Superdad – it’ll just burn you out.
Also, never be afraid to ask questions. Ask the doctors, the nurses, your parents, people you trust. Even if it seems silly, ask it anyway. You’re a first-time parent – no one expects you to know it all. Go to the experts.
NEVER leave the house without making sure that your diaper bag is fully stocked. I once got caught with a poopy diaper and ONE wipe left. Never again, I vowed. I bought a disposable package of 12 at Target and left in the bottom of the diaper bag for emergencies. I also make sure that I’ve got at least an extra change of onesies/shirts and pants (knit ones take up less room) for each kid, and a spare bib. You never know when a kid will decide to make a mess of their clothes and need to be “freshened up.”
Comment by Deanna — May 30, 2006 @ 5:06 pm
As someone who’s uterus has never been occupied, I appreciate any and all advice/tips out there.
Thanks y’all. Duly noted.
Comment by samantha — May 30, 2006 @ 9:53 pm
Great tips. I’d just add: never say to yourself “I’ve got this parenting thing down.” Because just when you do, they’ll change things up on you. It’s all about flexibility.
Comment by Brenda — May 31, 2006 @ 7:15 am
Ditto on the diaper bag thing–I just keep one fully stocked waiting by the back door. I have a little routine where I restock the diaper bag and all three changing stations throughout the house every Monday. (Parents benefit from routines, too!)
I didn’t set a schedule from the beginning, but instead let my babies fall naturally into a schedule, which happened at about 4 months. Schedule doctor’s appointments, etc. around your baby’s schedule.
One thing I am so glad I have done: document everything with pictures (and a blog, if you are so inclined). You think you’ll remember all the little stages and the way they looked, but it’s only been a year for us, and when I look back at my pictures, I’m always shocked by how much I’ve forgotten already.
Comment by Amy — May 31, 2006 @ 7:29 am
Oh gawd! Advice, tips, I have scoured the internet, looking for the one glimmering of something that makes sense, combed through all my baby books, and cross examined grandparents like a Philadelphia lawyer on “what did you do when… whatever”. I know only one thing. Just when you get that routine in a smooth groove, something will happen, and bam it goes, just when you start thinking, this baby thing is EASY, that’s when you come up on the next milestone, and you start over again. Do what Matthew says, stick to the routine, and get things done between naps, another comment was, some thing are non negotiable so make sure relatives and friends know that re baby. I keep a food and sleep log, so I know immediately when something is off, or if it’s a trend or just a glitch in the matrix. That’s the best advice I can give. Now someone PLEASE tell me, when does the first tooth arrive, after DAYS of symptoms? That low moaning wail is more than my heart can take. Teething tablets, orajel, baby motrin, teethers cooled to a perfect temperature, (formerly used this skill on white wines), all this only gives temporary relief. Ok Matthew, make that your next topic of parenting. Teething. lol Well, it’s your blog and I don’t want to butt in. I’m shutting up now. Not sure if I gave any advice, or asked for it, or ended up repeating what everyone else said. Heh!
Comment by Nat — May 31, 2006 @ 9:31 am
Once upon a time a 20 year old had her first child (circa 1971). It was not unplanned. She didn’t have a clue what she and her young husband were getting into. They relied on the experts, mother-in-laws (she had two) and occassionally mom. Mostly other young parents the young couple knew were their best sources and let’s not forget Dr. Benjamin Spock. (There was no internet!)
The young mom was left alone (Gasp!) with her son and heir everyday. She bathed him daily (Gasp!). She boiled his diapers to kill the bacteria and changed his clothes aleast 4 times a day (aaahhh). She held him a lot, kissed him a lot (he developed a dry patch on his left cheek)and sang to and with him.
He grew up to be a musician, star athlete, graduate 3rd in his High School, graduated from an Ivy League college and is good looking. Bri and JT will survive too.
Comment by Grandmother — May 31, 2006 @ 10:27 am
I don’t know if I have anything to add. The schedule thing is important, whether you let the baby fall into his/her own schedule or whether you kind of “mold” you baby to a schedule you pick. Always remember that there will always be those off-schedule days because of sickness, teething, nightmares or whatever, but do you best to keep it up.
Oh and this is for Nat, teething can take days or months depending on how your child is. A few of my kids had pain and cried and the next day had a tooth. The others would have a pain and then be okay for a little while and then have pain again, off and on until the tooth finally shows up. A dentist told me that some teeth will move a little and then stop and then move a little more and stop, so a baby could be “teething” for a long time. My two year old is still waiting on one of her canines and she has some days she is okay and some days where she is chewing her finger off. It’s been going on for a few weeks. Hopefully soon.
Comment by Julie — May 31, 2006 @ 11:10 am
Thanks Julie. I think I’m going crazy with the suspense. It helps to know it could be moving a fraction of a nano inch at a time, and causing all kinds of symptoms and still never show. I’m having one of those “off sked” days here. The eternal dilemma, does one carry on like off kilter, or do you scrape and stretch it out to make the routine catch up with itself?
Comment by Nat — May 31, 2006 @ 1:16 pm
I would definitely say the schedule thing is the most important thing. Getting them on a schedule is key!! And that does include using some sort of sleep method. Whatever method you chose, you have to stick to it for a few weeks. the hardest part of getting the kid on a schedule is putting yourself on a schedule.
Other than that, i would say that accepting help when it is offered and standing firm on your own parenting decisions are important as well. If it works for you and your child, then good!!
Comment by kristied — May 31, 2006 @ 6:22 pm
Every child is different (As we twin parents find out very quickly). What works(ed) for one or two children may not work for another (or twins). Please don’t offer advice if you haven’t been asked. There are so many good resources out there and if we can’t find it, we’ll let you know. And if you ask for advice, there are always plenty of people willing to give it, even if they have never had kids or twins or…. Don’t feel obligated to use it or to explain why you are doing something differently to someone who doesn’t agree with your choice. As the parent, you know your child the best.
Comment by Andrea — May 31, 2006 @ 9:21 pm
The best advice I got was from my father in law in regards to holidays, family gatherings, family visits and such. He said, “you take your cues from the kids because in my experience if the kids aren’t happy then you aren’t happy. The rest of us will just have to fall in line.”
Also enjoy each stage your child is at. The dishes, laundry and vacuuming will wait. Take time out to play with your baby. They’ll be grown up before you know it.
Comment by Shan — May 31, 2006 @ 9:22 pm
I absolutely second the schedule, the sleep (we had to use different techniques with each one of our Okapis), and the team concept. Four other things for expecting/new parents to think about.
1. Create your Guiding Principles of Parenting together – what are the overarching goals and principles you and your partner believe in? What kind of person do you want your child to be when they are 25 or 30 and how can you help them get there? Examples include – unconditional love, creating rituals, limits and boundaries, marriage/relationship, etc. These will help with dealing with how to handle getting them to sleep, eating, etc.
2. Don’t forget to take time out to enjoy your babies (or baby for those crazy people who only have one at a time). Sometimes it gets so hectic, so stressful it easy to forget that all of this is over little beings who you love immensely.
3. Don’t neglect your marriage/relationship. Take time whenever you can together to maintain your connection. It is the foundation of your new family and you two will need each other’s support and strength to get through difficult times. If things are good between you that becomes much easier.
4. Some parents – especially Dads and working parents – don’t always feel an immediate connection to their children. This is normal and NOT a sign of something wrong with you. You will develop a connection over time and before you know it you will be overwhelmed with how strongly you feel for your babies.
Okay, I’ll stop now. Great post! Thinking of turning it into an article?
Comment by JGS — June 1, 2006 @ 7:26 am
Numbers 5 and 6 are directly related. If you stick with a schedule, the sleeping through the night thing is SOOOO much less painful. I have two kids with VERY different personalities, yet the routine is what got them both sleepign through the night at an early age, despite some challenges. Good list!
Comment by Kristen — June 1, 2006 @ 1:07 pm
All I know, after two years of raising twins, is that I don’t know anything. In other words, with twins, you must throw out your preconceived rule book and do whatever works (within reason, of course). You have to be open to new ideas because twins is a whole new animal. I do things so much differently with twins than I did with either of my singletons. For example, I was never much of a schedule person, but now the schedule is God. We go by the schedule or things go south with a quickness.
Comment by macboudica — June 2, 2006 @ 6:29 am
I would say that the most important thing is for Dad to be with the program. My husband is a stay at home dad, so I am the one not with the program a lot. And it makes him so crazy. “They’re using spoons now!” What? They’re using spoons?
I miss a lot by not being here, but I’m so glad that he is here and that they are not in daycare.
Comment by Gidge — June 3, 2006 @ 4:16 am
Awesome advice, Dude.
The only part I took exception with was the clothing thing. Bah-bie is still wearing her 9 month shorts (she’ll be 17 months in 2 weeks). In fact, the other day, she was hollering at me, and I turned around to find her pants down around ankles. They had, it seems, “fallen off.”
Don’t worry I’m feeding her butter. Lots and lots of butter.
Comment by MIM — June 3, 2006 @ 8:46 am