After months of research, both scientific and anecdotal, I have come across a distinct pattern in parents – if not worldwide, at least in North America. For some reason, I couldn’t find a scientific journal that was willing to accept this finding (something about my methodology being fundamentally flawed). So, I have decided to launch my findings on Childsplayx2.com.
Keeping our Children Safe From Bacteria and Disease – The Real Story
Phase I – Parents sanitize everything. Bottles, binkies, nipples – you name it, it’s either boiled, microwaved or sanitized in the dishwasher. Sometimes with unintended results.
Phase II - Sanitizing becomes a little lax. The little steamer bag that comes with Medela products still has a few good uses left in it but it sits on the counter in the kitchen, taunting you every time you pass by, leaving you as guilt-ridden as a Mexican mother. In an effort to keep up the pretense of sanitizing, anti-bacterial wipes make an appearance around the house. One parent uses them religiously, the other, well, not so much.
Phase III – Bottles are only washed in warm soapy water. Binkies never get washed except when they fall in the bathtub by accident. Every once in a while a parent will say, “Hey, we should really sanitize all the baby stuff.” The other nods and then they go back to watching American Idol.
Phase IV – Binkies fall on the floor and the parent will pick it up, put it in his/her own mouth to “get rid of the germs” and then hand it back to the kid. The kid doesn’t die. Hmmmmm. Interesting.
Phase V – The first utterance of the phrase “Five-Second Rule!” appears. Perhaps a quick wipe on the pants will suffice before popping the binky back in the kid’s mouth.
Phase VI – Parents watch as kid picks up binky or any other thing that looks like it might look good in it’s mouth like cat food, days-old cheerios, and daddy’s sweat socks. The parents might say something like, “Sweetie, don’t put that in your mouth.” while they casually glance up from the morning paper – but more often than not, they just *sigh*.
After that, it’s all down hill. French fries become the only vegetable the kids eat. A Big Mac is the closest a kid comes to the four basic food groups. And our children die a slow, albeit delicious, death.
But, hey, at least we sanitized those binkies.
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