You won’t believe what happened to me this morning after you left for work.
It started out just fine. I played casually with the twins as they scampered around the play room as they chased after toys and books and each other. To add to the atmosphere, I put on a CD of their favorite music and we rocked to Animal Fair, Wheels on the Bus and Itsy Bitsy Spider.
Before I knew it, TheMonk and Swee’Pea both started to dance the cha-cha. Which is funny because I don’t even know what the cha-cha looks like. All I know is that they were getting down and laughing so I ran to get the video camera to document the collective genius of our children. In my haste to secure the video camera I tripped over the Fisher-Price schoolbus with the little wheelchair still inside. Trying to regain my balance I reached for the nearest thing to keep myself from falling. Unfortunately that nearest thing was the drapery that
hangs hung from the front window. As you could guess, the drapery was no match for my impressive bulk so it came down with me along with the curtain rods and the lamp from the corner. Before I knew it, I was laying on the floor among all the remnants.
Dazed and confused I staggered back up. I glanced at TheMonk and Swee’Pea who were both now clapping at this impressive theater that their beloved father was putting on for their amusement. I smiled in spite of my shock and pain and then checked the damage. It was then that I noticed that the drapes were smoldering from the heat the lamp was giving off, still glowing on the floor beneath my feet.
Before my eyes the smoldering drapes burst into flames. Not sure what to do, I quickly grabbed the flaming drapes and, in one quick cat-like motion, opened the front door and threw them onto the front lawn which, luck would have it, was being watered by the sprinklers at that very moment.
Crisis averted, I once again turned my attention back to the twins. TheMonk must have been so excited he pooped his pants. The smell was hard to ignore so before cleaning up the mess I had made I decided to change TheMonk in the living room. I’m not sure when he last pooped but it looked like he had been saving it up for quite a while as copious amounts of excrement filled his overburdened size 4 Huggies. I pulled off the soiled diaper, setting it aside, while I cleaned him and changed him into a fresh diaper. I was just getting finshed with him when I heard a distinctive “meow” coming from somewhere outside.
Setting TheMonk down, I went to investigate. Apparently, in my haste to get rid of the flaming drapes I hadn’t noticed that Nutmeg the cat had escaped outside when I opened the front door. Concerned for our poor little Nuttymeg I went looking for her outside. It was then I saw her on our roof – 25 to 30 feet above terra firma. Knowing I had to act quickly I went to get the ladder from the garage. Now, normally I wouldn’t even think of getting up to the top of our roof but this was our Nutmeg up there. I HAD to save her. I extended our ladder as far up as I could get it. Unfortunately, it was still a good six feet short of the roof. Nonetheless I scampered up the ladder and reached for our beloved kitty. Not in a mood to be petted she jumped back from my extended reach. As I lunged for her, the ladder slipped from under me. In a desperate act I grabbed the gutter that lines our roof top and hung there as the ladder fell.
This was a predicament. I was about 20 feet from the garage roof which, if I could get there, would allow me to drop down without killing myself. I inched my way over there while my fingers desperately clung to the edge of the gutter. Eventually I made it – just in time to see Nutmeg jump on my back and catapult herself to the ground. She then bolted for the door and waited for me to let her in. Which I would have done except the door was locked.
I looked in and noticed TheMonk and Swee’Pea gleefully playing. I waved to them frantically and they waved back – enjoying this new game of “Wave at the crazy man named Daddy.” I started to go around the house trying all of the windows and doors to see if I could get in. As I got back around to the front of the house I noticed we had visitors.
This might be a good time to mention to you that our new Neighborhood Watch program is doing a fine good job. I know this because apparently one of our kind neighbors noticed a man hanging from the gutter of his neighbor’s house and called the cops. Did you know that they don’t just send one patrol car when something like that is reported? No, they send at least five patrol cars – with lights flashing. Also, I never knew how big a patrolman’s gun looks pointed at you.
Anyway, after I explained who I was they helped me get into the house to prove I lived there. They even were nice enough to let me change my pants (Let’s just say I wish I was the one wearing Huggies when the police officers pointed their guns at me). Once I showed them my driver’s license and TheMonk and Swee’Pea’s birth certificates, everything was fine (Oh, and I made a nice contribution to the Police Officer’s Ball later this month).
Finally, everything seemed under control. As you can imagine, however, I was quite late in getting the kids off to daycare. I scurried around getting our stuff together and putting the twins in their carseat. You know how much I hate to be late. Even though I hate being late, I did spend a few extra minutes putting the drapes back up (just ignore the charred spot near the ground), uprighting the lamp, putting the ladder away, making sure Nutmeg had her food and water after such a traumatic experience, and putting away one Fisher Price Schoolbus with a wheelchair inside. I knew you’d appreciate me cleaning up the mess.
That done, I couldn’t stay any longer. Work beckoned so I ran to the car, pulled away from the house and managed to get the kids to daycare and myself to work even after such a harrowing morning.
And THAT, my dear beloved love-of-my-life wife, is why you found a very soiled poop-filled diaper sitting on the bookshelf in the living room when you came home today.
And you thought I was just scatterbrained.