Comments on: The Glass Ceiling Nobody Talks About

By: RobMonroe

RobMonroe — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 11:05:31 +0000

So incredibly well put. We have had a few times of bumping heads because I or she “was not doing something right” in the view of the other, but once we got past the important stuff (will it hurt her physically or emotionally? No, then do it) my wife and I are really good at equal responsibilities. I can not imagine being a dad who did not get my daughter dressed in the morning. (For us, morning is my deal, bedtime is moms) It took six months at day care for them to acknowledge that I was dressing her – and cutely!

By: KB 111

KB 111 — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 00:09:36 +0000

Just a couple notes: Even when parenting is shared in a largely egalitarian way, it seems that often, there’s still the idea of a deficit when it comes to fathers. Statements like “dad’s babysitting today” (how can a father ‘babysit’ his own kids?!), “I let my husband…” (‘let’? seriously?), and similar sentiments undermine the same efforts made by fathers as mothers.

Also, for those out there also hoping for a change in tide, take some comfort in Nancy Chodorow’s* work on gender segregation in domestic labor: when children grow up seeing a man engaging in domestic tasks (childcare, household labor), they internalize that this is/can be men’s work, and the notion held by much of society that these are women’s roles begins to deteriorate. Granted, these ideas are still up against what is set out by countless sitcoms, greeting cards, advertisements, and all other possible media adaptations, but it’s a great start for the next generation: to grow up in a household in which men happily participate in caring for children. That’s perhaps the best gift we can give them.

*There have since arisen better sources for this information, but Chodorow was the first to hit the nail on the head with this one, so credit where credit is due.

By: Shannon

Shannon — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 19:16:43 +0000

The one piece of advice I give to new mothers above all else is to let the Dad take care of the kid. Babies cry sometimes, and you have to let him figure out how he’s going to deal with that. There is usually a general agreement that that’s a great idea, but…. And there are a number of things that follow that but, and it all boils down to some expectation on the mother’s part that she has to do it all, or she’s not a good mother. No one seems ready at this point to accept the fact that you can’t be a perfect mother. We should all be striving towards and equal ground, where both parents are doing most of the work involved with raising their kids.
I’m a stay at home mom, but my husband has always done his fair share of the work when he’s home. Sometimes more then his fair share, so that I don’t go crazy. And he does it happily and confidently. And I let him. If he wants to play video games while he’s watching her, fine, it means I get a break. And yet, I still have friends and family who extravagantly compliment or thank him for “babysitting” and it drives me crazy.
Thank you so much for putting this out there in such a thoughtful way.

By: Will Goldstein

Will Goldstein — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 22:28:15 +0000

As a guy who will, as of tomorrow as my wife goes back to work full time, be the primary care-giver of a newborn baby, I really appreciate your point of view. Keep up the good work!

By: Holly

Holly — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:57:27 +0000

Great post! I’d never thought of it that way, but I bet you’re right about many women being subconsciously (it took five tries to spell that…) possessive of their role as primary caregiving. Kudos to you and your wife for bucking the trend.

By: Jeff

Jeff — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:39:36 +0000

I really liked your post. I hope I can break all the “stereotypes” raising two daughters!

I’m sure you’re a great parent.

Check out what I have to say here: http://www.mybowsandarrows.wordpress.com

By: Sarah

Sarah — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 03:37:02 +0000

Oh, Matt…And to think you spent four years across the street from a women’s college. Let me explain to you what you are not understanding –

“I have seen twitter conversations that basically say, ‘I don’t tell my husband what to do at his job so he shouldn’t come here and tell me how to be a parent.’ How dare the father have a say in how his children are raised.”

No, she does not want to deny him a say in how his children are being raised. What she is asking for is respect and acknowledgment of her expertise.

For example, your generally reasonable friend will come home from work and on occasion think he is re-inventing the wheel with some of his parenting ideas. I will say to him, “No, it’s not going to work. Don’t bother.” Does he listen to me? No. Why should he bother listen to the person who is home full time and therefore has a lot more experience with the children than he does? Then, of course, he implements his idea and it doesn’t work as I expected, and I’m pissed off. Thankfully this doesn’t happen often, but when it does I feel disrespected, because my expertise was not acknowledged.

Likewise, how would you like it if someone came by your office who was rarely there and started making suggestions that you knew wouldn’t work, but then implemented them anyway with the corresponding negative results you had anticipated? I’m sure this has happened to you somewhere along the way, and you probably didn’t like it. Wouldn’t you be annoyed or resentful that your expertise wasn’t acknowledged? This is what these Moms are feeling.

Ironically, what you are missing, Matt, is that the respect you would like as a parent is the same thing that these women are asking for. In this society, discrimination against women is subtle, so that many women have difficulty expressing what bothers them. When a woman prefers to carry many parenting responsibilities or she makes snide comments about her husband’s abilities, she isn’t saying, “I don’t want you involved.” What she is saying is, “This is my domain. This is where I am knowledgeable. This is a task that I own.” Everyone wants to be respected for what they do; mothers are no different. I don’t think that women want to reinforce traditional stereotypes, as much as they are looking to be acknowledged and respected for the work that they do.

By: Stacy

Stacy — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:05:30 +0000

My husband also wanted to be very involved. It took me a long time to loosen up and realize that there was more than one way to do things “right”. My children thrive having two involved parents – although I draw the line at letting daddy coordinate outfits (he’s semi-color blind – in 9 years of marriage, I haven’t even let him pick out his own outfits).

By: Andi

Andi — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 23:17:48 +0000

I think my husband would agree with you wholeheartedly. He has always been an enthusiastic and involved parent and is often offended when people think that’s unusual “for a man.” Parenting has always come naturally to him and, quite honestly, he’s much better at it than I am. Luckily he’s as patient with me as he is with our daughter. )

By: Backpacking Dad

Backpacking Dad — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 21:13:06 +0000

Good post.