Dear Beautiful Wife,
First, happy birthday Honey. You are just as beautiful today as the day I first met you. I’m so glad that I’ve been able to share the last decade of your life with you. You are such a strong woman that I feel so grateful that you are the mother of my children and that you are my wife.
And for such a wonderful woman, on her birthday, I thought I would get you a gift that you’d remember for quite a while. I thought I’d get you a gift that would push you ahead of me in the cool technology department. I thought I’d get you a gift that would make you want to get frisky with me every time you held it in your hand. Yes, I was going to get you an iPhone.
At this point, you have probably noticed, in that last sentence, that I said “was going to get you an iPhone.”
Yeah, about that.
You see, I thought since we are already AT&T mobile phone users that it wouldn’t be much of a problem upgrading you to an iPhone. So, today after work, I waltzed into the Apple store and told a cheerful young lady that I wanted to purchase an iPhone, take it home to present to you on your birthday as a surprise and a sign of my eternal love and devotion, and then return to activate it once you had been sufficiently surprised.
The lady looked at me and said, “Uh, yeah, you can’t do that. They make you purchase the plan and activate the phone right away.” [And by "They", I'm assuming she meant AT&T because Apple would never, ever do anything to inconvenience their customers.]
I asked her if she was serious and she said, with a great “customer service” smile, “Yes. Sorry, we can’t help you in surprising your wife. How about a nice gift card?”
I’m thinking a gift card isn’t going to get anybody frisky with me so I quickly tell her “I guess she won’t be getting an iPhone, then.” And I turn to leave. The girl shouts out to me, “Don’t blame me, okay?!” I reply, “Of course I’m going to blame you. It wasn’t MY fault!”
So, I’m a bit pissed. But I see a way out of this. I figure, I’ll run home, sneak your cell phone out of your purse, and take it to the AT&T store down the street and see if I can get the phone changed over to the iPhone. I’m certain this plan will work. I’ll plop down the $199 for the phone, switch your old phone over to the shiny new iPhone and we’ll be gettin’ frisky faster than you can say Steve Jobs.
That’s when I hit snag #2. The lady at the AT&T store checks to see if your phone is due for an upgrade. This worries me because I know that it’s not and I’m not sure how it’s related to me purchasing an iPhone. “Well,” she says, “Because your phone isn’t due for an upgrade, the iPhone will cost you $399.”
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. “What happened to the $199?! The one that’s advertised all over the store?!” I ask incredulously.
“That’s for new lines or phones due for an upgrade. We don’t care that you have been a customer for years, you’ll have to pay $399 for that iPhone while anyone who has never been our customer and we have absolutely no relationship with, can get it for $200 cheaper. We want to screw you, our long and loyal customer, as hard as possible.” [Okay, maybe she just said that first sentence. Everything else is what she was thinking, I'm sure.]
So, even though with a little arithmetic in my head showing that with the price difference between the monthly plan you currently have and the monthly plan we’d have to pay for the iPhone, they would have made up the $200 difference for the phone in approximately five months (and considering we have 19 months left on our current contract, they would have made $560 more from us than they will right now by just selling us the phone for $199), I walked out of there agitated, angry and a little bit pissed.
As you know, I don’t have a lot of patience for businesses who claim they are all about the customer but then create policies that, in fact, are totally anti-customer. It drives me insane.
I say we just play out your contract, switch to Verizon, and use the new LG Dare. You’ll still be cool and we’ll be $760 dollars richer. A win-win.
Okay, now back to your birthday. So, I didn’t get you an iPhone. However, you know I didn’t leave you empty handed. You know I love to take care of you. So, I got you what you asked for. I got you, via Maggie’s shopping blog, your very own Fall Lunch bag, via The Gap. I know $10 is a big difference from $199 but it’s the gift that keeps on giving. And it was like, $17 with shipping, so I did splurge on you a bit. You deserve it babe.
The kids got you some chocolate that you’ll have to share with them because they’re three and think all chocolate is for them.
But most of all, you get to bask in the knowledge that you are loved by a doting husband, two beautiful kids, and one very vocal cat.
If that doesn’t get you frisky, I don’t know what will.
Happy Birthday, my beautiful wife! I love you!