I take my role as father seriously these days. Swee’Pea and TheMonk are becoming more and more aware of the differences between Mommy and Daddy and are starting to point them out. Just today, in fact, while I was sitting in a chair while talking on the phone to my friend Chris about fantasy football, TheMonk laid his head on my lap and looked up at me with his soft brown eyes. He snuggled into my lap, batted his eyes and said something that I’m sure was the sweetest sentiment every uttered. I missed what he said however as I was listening to Chris. I leaned closer to TheMonk and asked him what he said. Again, he looked up at me, batted his eyes and said in the sweetest voice ever…
“Daddy has mocos up there.”
*Ahem* Yes, I had some visible mucus up my nose and TheMonk was polite enough to point it out. What a sweet boy.
But I digress. My point in all of this is to point out that my role is changing as TheMonk and Swee’Pea get more and more vocal. I imagine at some point, they will begin to ask questions beyond the simple “What’s That?” that I get twenty times a day now. Someday, they’ll want to know about the meaning of life or why does the biggest pimple of your life show up right before you take your senior photo?
It is my desire to always have the answer. I am the omnipotent father who will guide my children through the land mines of ignorance. I will shed light where there is darkness. I will be T-H-E M-A-N.
But as I prepare for this next phase of my life, I have come to the realization that I don’t know everything. This is where you come in. I have put together a few questions that I have no idea how to answer. If you would be so kind as to enlighten me, I would be forever grateful.
In no particular order here are my questions…
How much fresh parmesan cheese does the waiter have to put on your pasta before he thinks you are a fat slob?
Why is it acceptable to put ketchup on some forms of potato but not on others?
Why is it that kids get thirsty only when their head is about to hit the pillow?
How can you have 200 cable channels and not find anything good on?
Does the word “gelato” mean “really expensive ice cream” in Italian?
Where are all the missing socks in the world?
Why must all sleepy children reply “No” when asked if they’re tired?
If you wear the underwear with the holes in it, does that increase your chances of ending up in the hospital?
Will anyone ever be good enough to date my daughter? (Actually, I know the answer to that one but you might have better ones.)